Monday, 18 May 2015

Witch Generator

Because you can't have too much of a good thing.

witch me to clickerate a gene
General Aesthetic
  1. Old, wrinkled, stubborn and minimalist, wears black
  2. Young, pale, attractive, heavy eye makeup, also wears black
  3. Obese, jovial, ruddy-cheeked, wears sensible tweed
  4. Hunched, emaciated, clad in feathers and animal skins. Sunken, redrimmed eyes
  5. Green-skinned, warty, pointy hat, laughs a lot, impossible to take seriously
  6. Eleven years old, impossible to not take seriously
  7. Hoop-earringed gypsy w/ tarot cards, veils
  8. Pipe-smoking leatherfaced ancient w/ gap between teeth for stem. Never moves from rocking chair
  9. Smooth-talking lothario w/ top hat, waistcoat, skull painted on face
  10. Arrogant sorceress/er w/ ridiculous headgear. Good looks, youth maintained by magic, flickers when under stress.
  11. Good witch. Sparkly pink dress, star wand, tiara. Still evil
  12. Barely human. Speaks in grunts, filthy, minimal clothing, lopes on all fours. Too many teeth
  1. Rooster legs. Thatched with black feathers. Capers through forest. If set on fire will panic, smell terrible, run around igniting everything in path
  2. Shell of gigantic snail. Snail not happy with situation but can't do anything about it because snail
  3. Hewn from bole of giant toadstool by slave-race of gnomes. Cozy as shit
  4. On stilts, at bottom of lake. Accessible from beneath. Air pressure keeps water out. Air dank and musty, wood rotten but still miraculously watertight
  5. Huge nestlike structure in branches of knotted willow. Rooms oddly shaped but normally furnished. Fire in hearth violet, burns stone instead of wood
  6. Gingerbread. Exactly what you would expect a gingerbread house to look like if you left it in the woods for a month. So many ants. So many of them
  7. Size of a thimble. Kept on shelf of fearful maiden aunt. Touching it shrinks you down, sucks you in through chimney. Not immediately clear how to get out again
  8. At bottom of ravine. Immensely tall, thin. Actually just one enormous chimney over flickering firepit. Smoke is breathing hazard to anyone who's not a witch
  9. Cavernous barn. Floor lined w/ hay. Walls lined w/ witch's favourite thing (see Weakness For table) dangling from iron hooks. Smells like animals. No animals though
  10. Inside out. Normal cottage stuff, fireplace, kitchen, armchair on outside of house. Untamed wilderness inside. Witch thinks whole world part of her cottage
  11. Upside down. Hangs complacently from rocky outcrop or roof of cavern. Smoke from chimney pools on ground below. Witch walks on ceilings for preference, finds it ridiculous, irritating that you don't
  12. Witch keeps cottage on back like snail, can curl up, retreat into it. This fills it out to normal cottage size. PCs still in cottage when witch uncurls will be crushed by shrinking rooms
  1. Least weasel. Lives in witch's sleeve. Did you know there is a part of your neck which, if bitten down hard on, will kill you? The weasel does
  2. Shoulder imp. Smug as hell. Literally, I guess. Likes to talk up how powerful witch is and how easily they will destroy you. Secretly fears, despises them
  3. White peacock. Can pass through organic matter like Kitty Pryde. If it passes through you it will try to snatch out little bits of your soul with its claws. You can still fuck it up with your sword though, unless your sword is made of bone or something
  4. Swarm of bees. Bring her news from all corners of globe. 80% chance witch knows who you are, 40% they know details of your life, 20% they know something embarrassing a bee saw you do once. Also, sting you
  5. Faerie dragon. Tiny, pink, adorable. Has miniature horde. No trick, it's not dangerous at all
  6. Hermit crab. Lives in human skull. Spoilt - constantly demanding better accommodations
  7. Starnosed mole. Child of much larger, more vicious starnosed moles whom it can call for help w/ supersonic vibrations
  8. Homunculus made of coagulated witchblood. Can wriggle under doors, jump down throats, possess people. For every day it possesses someone it has a 30% chance to resign as familiar and strike out to follow its own path
  9. Arm-length centipede. Two heads, one on each end. One bite acid, one bite alkaline, together they are neutralized
  10. Completely ordinary hedgehog
  11. Fist-sized toad. Philosopher. Startlingly deep voice, calls you "my dear boy". Pretends to have own agenda but 100% loyal to witch
  12. Circular owl. Witch, ahead of curve as usual, has spell that makes you look through its eyes
Physical Peculiarity
  1. Shiny black beetles instead of blood. If spilt, beetles will attempt to crawl back inside wounds and sew them up from inside. Might accidentally do this to your wounds instead
  2. Immensely long, crooked nose w/ tiny village on bridge. Tiny villagers depend on mucus farming to survive, will beg you not to kill witch
  3. Hair is ground-trailing curtain of moss. Animates, but you won't realize that until too late
  4. No shadow. This is because shadow is elsewhere, hunting and killing something. Witch doesn't need to eat so long as her shadow eats
  5. Foot-long fingernail claws. Rip away memories as well as flesh - for each claw attack, PC loses a spell slot or ability to use skill for rest of day. Player can prevent this by describing semisignificant memory from PC's life that they then lose instead
  6. Hole bored in skull, candle stuck in hole. Candle made of witch's own fat, burns perpetually. No other light sources in cottage. Light reveals ghosts
  7. Head twisted backwards on neck. Right leg twisted up over back, foot hooked around neck. Hops/crawls everywhere
  8. Right leg is pig trotter. Embarrassed about it. Tries to chop it off but it always grows back
  9. Long white beard w/ forked, yellowing ends, mind of its own, cruel sense of humour
  10. Actually three witches. Roll two more archetypes. Only one eye between them, gets passed around between six empty sockets. Only witch w/ eye can cast spells
  11. Clad in mourning, veiled. Face invisible. Actually a skellington. Familiar lives inside skull, is secretly controlling all witch actions 
  12. Also a vampire (one day it will be possible to get trapped in a loop of random generators spanning this entire blog)
Favourite Spell (1/day)
  1. Flesh to sawdust. Reversible by gathering dust in one place, soaking in enough blood. Hopefully witch has blood
  2. Foetus to scorpions. WHOSE BLOG DID I READ THIS ON
  3. Ghost geas. Usable on anyone who has died in the last day. Prevents their spirit from dissipating until it has carried out task for the witch. No limits on complexity of task
  4. Curse bomb. Anything w/ a soul within 40' of detonation must save or roll on random curse table. Witches have no souls
  5. Kafkanate. Target is now a gigantic hideous roach creature. No save. Wears off at rise of next full moon or at witch's pleasure. Witch can cast this spell on itself
  6. Speak with moon. Witch can ask moon up to three questions/favours. Moon under no obligation to answer/obey, but generally on good terms w/ witches on account of having no other friends. Can see anything, change phase, fuck w/ tides, dispense lunacy, activate werewolves. Far from omnipotent
  7. Heart seed. The witch plants a seed in your heart. If the witch dies before the next sunrise, the seed will blossom into a full-sized copy of the witch, which has all the witch's memories and will come crawling out of your chest like Alien
  8. Cloudspoon. Witch urinates into a iron pot, cracks goose egg into urine, sprinkles w/ mint, beats w/ wooden spoon until frothy. This grants them power to control weather. The more violently she beats the mixture the more violent the weather will be. Strokes of spoon control direction, pounding motions call down lightning, etc. Favourite trick is ruining crops w/ hail
  9. Thumbnail. All targets in radius shrink to size of witch's thumbnail. Wears off at next sunrise, if PCs can survive that long. Witch can use this power on itself in moments of desperation
  10. Rumourgenesis. Witch can spark a rumour in a designated community. Rumour will arise spontaneously, be untraceable to any source. 30% of people will believe it, 30% will be on fence, 30% unconvinced, 10% not have heard it. "PCs are werewolves" a classic
  11. Turn awry. Causes all currents to run backward. Rivers, wind, maelstroms, sink drains, blood. The currents of time maybe, if you're feeling saucy enough to keep up with it
  12. Syllableed. Witch designates particular syllable. Whenever someone utters that syllable within mile radius of witch they are wracked with sickening cramps as some of their life essence (1d6 hp) is transferred to witch. Lasts until next full moon, syllable can't be changed until then. Works on players also. (might make it whole word if in forgiving mood)
Cantrip (at will)
  1. Ghost geas, minor. As ghost geas, but target must have died in last half hour and task must be expressible in three words
  2. See through flowers. Marks a flower within witch's visual range. Until rise of next full moon, witch can see through that flower as if it were an eye, make it turn to follow people. Only works on one flower at a time, but can be cast on any flower the witch can see from that flower
  3. Animate smoke. Smoke comes alive, develops agenda of its own. Agenda may involve smothering humans, forming pretty rings or just fucking off into the wind to die. Witch can speak smokese
  4. Animate toy. Toy comes alive, develops agenda of its own. Agenda involves killing humans 100% of time. Witch probably has four or five animated toys hanging about cottage at any one time
  5. Remote milking. Witch gets old rag tied to axe handle, touches it to cow. Later, squeezes the rag, milk comes out, cow's udders are drained. Also works w/ blood maybe?
  6. Spontaneous generation. Creates maggots from rotting meat, crustaceans from tidal mud, eels from earthworms, etc. Vermin thus spawned serve witch for hour afterwards then go about lives as normal
  7. Soul chain. The witch exchanges bodies w/ the next living thing she touches. Requires attack roll to work. In someone else's body use your mental stats, skills, spells, their physical stats and HP. Witch retains all witch powers but not physical qualities. Name misleading, as witches have no souls
  8. Razor leaf. All dead leaves in 100' of witch now have razor-sharp edges. Won't cut witch. Won't move on their own because still leaves. Witch will have to summon the wind, which they can and will do
  9. Penetrating sight. Witch can see through walls, clothes, flesh. Can look inside your body to determine what organ is currently killing you. Can also look at your dick. This is 100% authentic Catalan mythology
  10. Slippery pole. By greasing any long wooden object (e.g. a broomstick) w/ unguents made from the fat of hanged children, the witch can permanently grant it the ability to fly. Hanged children hard to come by and terms of sorcery dictate you can't hang them yourself
  11. Steedspook. Makes any riding animal so terrified that it must make a Fortitude save to prevent its heart from exploding. Animals that aren't horses get extra save. Also works on anyone giving piggyback ride
  12. Overfamiliar. Creates d10 copies of familiar. After hour has passed original familiar & all copies turn on each other, start eating each other. Can't be cast again until back down to one
Weakness To
  1. Salt water from the deepest part of the ocean. Damages witch as acid
  2. The kiss of someone who genuinely loves witch. Kills witch instantly
  3. Ladders. Witch cannot pass over or under them
  4. Arrows made of mistletoe. Deal double damage. Mistletoe surprisingly hard to make arrows out of
  5. Ovens. No, not fire. Ovens that you cook in. Trapping the witch in an oven that's not turned on will burn them as if it was, turning the oven on will shrivel them away in five rounds
  6. Compliments. Every original compliment told to the witch (one that they have never heard before in their life) will pierce them as if it were a pitchfork
  7. Repentance. If the PCs scourge themselves w/ nettles and make a sincere confession of their sins they will be immune to the witch's spells until the next sunrise, or at least get an extra saving throw
  8. Lead. Lead weapons deal triple damage to witch, are unliftably heavy
  9. Sunlight. Acts as wall to witch. Physically can't go outside during the day. If roof was removed from cottage, would be slowly crushed
  10. Miniature versions of normal things. Daggers, halflings, crossbow bolts get +2 to hit
  11. Honesty. You get -1 to hit against witch for every lie you have told since the most recent sunrise, +2 if you haven't told a single one. Witch most vulnerable at dawn. Will target most honest party member first
  12. Witch has spread rumor that they can only be controlled by being presented w/ favourite thing. (see Weakness For table). Actually, will shrivel and starve w/out it
Weakness For
  1. Fuzzy kittens (may or may not feed them to familiar)
  2. Jam tarts (definitely feeds them to familiar)
  3. Fiddle music
  4. Lovely cups of tea (favourite flavour is hemlock, but likes normal tea also)
  5. Honey-roasted grasshoppers (you don't think you'll like them but you will)
  6. Fruitcake (the harder the better)
  7. Blue cheese (the older the better)
  8. Hand-knitted scarves (the longer the better)
  9. Babies (the uglier the better)
  10. Songbirds drowned in brandy
  11. Glass figurines of animals
  12. Handsome young men (and/or women, whatever)
Plot Hook
  1. Witch has kidnapped unlikeable child. Well-intentioned villagers have assumed mother wants it back, put out reward. Mother will offer another reward if you can get it replaced w/ changeling
  2. PC's favourite parent broke their back. Witch healed them. PC now owes witch favour, must perform seemingly impossible task like "make the sun bleed" or witch gets their soul
  3. Witch has caught the Devil by the ankle, is keeping him locked in a box. W/out Devil the balance of the world is upset, there can be no evil, nobody can kill animals, cut grass, tell lies. PCs must free Devil. (effect might be localized)
  4. Witch can cure sunpox but is not altruistically minded. Local dignitary is wealthy, has sunpox
  5. Every Sabbath morning witch comes down to village, yanks out magic fiddle, compels village to dance all day instead of praying and resting. Blasphemy buildup causing minor disasters, minismitings
  6. Smouldering fissure letting loose hellbeasties from bowels of earth to prey upon livestock, peasants. Witch has nothing to do with it but is actively attempting to take credit
  7. During apprenticeship, witch betrayed master, stole their staff of immortality, left them as wizened and immobile mummy in out-of-the-way location. PCs stumble across mummy, are promised grand and terrible boon if staff can be retrieved
  8. Witch's familiar stolen from magical menagerie. Proprietors would like it back
  9. Village children all fear witch, none of the adults believe in her. Witch is kidnapping adults and replacing them w/ demonic doppelgangers. Is in disguise as mean schoolteacher
  10. Witch wants a soul so they can get into Heaven, wreck the place. Must be a particularly virtuous soul. Will pay handsomely for it. If any PC is particularly virtuous they may find themselves on the receiving end of this
  11. Particularly fine instances of witch's favourite thing (see Weakness For table) going missing county-wide. Consortium of folk bands/wine importers/terrified mothers wants you to look into it
  12. Witch hunters rampaging around countryside burning innocent old ladies, have quota to fill, won't stop until actual witch is captured and presented to them


  1. It's back! Nice.

    Here are some more witches, because they come in flocks or covens or something:

    1. Pretty sure the collective noun is 'a surreptitiousness of witches', though it probably varies.