Sunday 23 December 2018

Fairy Generator

on bounding legs of and flapping wings of wielding a that's made of its clothes fashioned from a it’s while
1 frog butterfly lantern gossamer boot smoking a pipesolving a riddle
2 grasshopper hummingbird sword grass book fishing (but not for fish)fighting with a friend
3 heron dragonfly cloak glass pillow counting something inaneharanguing a woodland creature
4 deer bat spear mud kettle reciting poetry to an inanimate objectbuilding a nest
5 kangaroo rat christmas beetle hammer moonlight cutlery practising kissinglooking for true love
6 ballerina sycamore seed flasksnowhandful of coins butchering a killwaiting for someone to rob

art is "mothdust changeling" from mtg
the lorwyn set has a lot of good fairy art

Tuesday 11 December 2018


A restaurant complex the size of a small city, spiralling down the sides of a mountain, plunging cellars deep into its glacial heart. Lowest levels are a riot of food courts, beer halls, dive bars, buffet counters, noodle-and-dumpling stands, blending into each other to become one massive banquet and piss-up. Highest levels, accessible only to the embarrassingly rich, provide culinary pleasures undreamed-of by the schmucks below. In between are people selling every conceivable variety of meal, snack, beverage and over-dinner entertainment. It's unclear where anybody sleeps. Possibly they don't.

The Kitchen's heart is the Gustatory. It houses most of the tables and most of the customers. If the PCs arrive out of the blue, looking for nothing more than a good meal, that's where they're likely to wind up. The other four districts - the Gumbo, the Griddle, the Greenhouse, and the Glacé - primarily prepare the endless mountains of food funneled to the punters, but host a few specialist eateries and experiences of their own.

The kitchen is headed by a mysterious chef de cuisine, their identity said to be known by only one other in the whole of the kitchen. The Griddle, Gumbo, Glacé and Greenhouse are each run by a sous-chef: a dragon, a giant squid, a vampire and a perfectly ordinary human, respectively. The Griddle also has a saucier, nearly as powerful as the sous, who often mediates between the different factions. The Garbage is rumoured to be staffed by only a single garçon de cuisine.

Huge communal tables run down the centre of every street. Silk-hatted goblin busboys scamper in and out of trapdoors, toting huge platters of pork, pushing dumpling trolleys and scavenging the scraps from discarded plates. Conveyor belts large enough for three men to stand abreast distribute bales of sushi on colour-coded plates. Everything is one massive food court. The greatest danger you face here is a pub brawl.
  1. A poverty-stricken high elf offers her soul for a single sip of the chilled pomegranate and burdock wine they keep in the lowest tunnels of the Glacé. You could also find the raw ingredients in the Greenhouse and mash together a decent substitute. Elf wine is mostly bullshit anyway
  2. A jealous noodle shop owner wants to find the secret ingredient of her rival's extra-salty broth. Track her through the Gumbo after her shift and find out exactly what she does to it
  3. An ogre chieftain has been eating mutton shanks by the wheelbarrow for the last three days, and the supply from the Griddle has run out. Go and find the source of the delay before the chieftain starts to get hungry
  4. A drunk merchant is craving mandrake root ratatouille, piping hot. She can't find a chef to serve such a disgrace, so is throwing cash around asking for someone to steal one on its way from the Griddle to the Glacé to be chilled
  5. A pair of solid gold chopsticks are being offered as first prize in a eating competition. The terms of entry are vague - contestants are judged only on the total volume of food and drink they can consume, and none of the human competitors seem dismayed by the fact that the reigning champion is an ettin capable of eating twice as fast as anyone else
  6. Nearly a hundred eager customers have banded around a charismatic orc poet and begun the first leg of an impromptu pub crawl. Publicans are desperate for help in steering the crowd, some wanting the crowd to stay as long as possible, others wanting the atmosphere of their eatery protected from the staggering masses. Some scheming salesperson would likely reward you well for starting a brawl in a rival's restaurant

Turkish baths in which every pool is a differently flavoured soup. Saunas filled with steam from bubbling broths, wading pools of pumpkin puree full of fat, happy, edible snails. The famous fondue fountain; a waterslide of pleasantly warm cheese. Hygiene is meticulously managed from the catwalks above, with pressure cooker airlocks and the highest density of clipboards in the Kitchen.
  1. A hugely obese customer, who hasn't left their restorative soup bath in twenty years, has begun to very slowly overheat. They insist that the only thing to cool them down is an iced tea from the deepest freezer in the Glacé
  2. A steam naiad wants to take liquid form, just to see what it's like, but the efreet who stokes the fire beneath her kettle is too proud of her work to put it out. The chefs can't get any work done until someone resolves their feud
  3. The duke has lost his favourite poison ring! Get it out of the pumpkin broth before anyone finds out, or they'll have to throw out the whole tureen and he'll be banned for life
  4. A backed up pipe just exploded, blowing dishwater into a dozen bowls and baths of soup. Get down to the Garbage and clear the blockage before something else goes wrong
  5. A tragic mixup has sent ten tureens of dragon blood-soup out to the Gustatory and ten tubs of dragon-blood soup to the Griddle. The deliveries need to be intercepted before they incinerate any customers or, worse, cause a riot in the drakegrills
  6. The winning entry in the annual spiciest soup competition has emptied a wing of the Gumbo, and the teary-eyed judges are desperate for someone to brave the steam-filled corridors to get the lid back on the damn thing

A canyonous stretch of smokestacks and spitroasts, full of dripping meat, leaping fire and falling cleavers. Cutlets, kebabs and carne asada. Steakhouses and cigar lounges buried behind meat markets and fire-side arguments, orcish swear words and delicate knifework. The hierarchy is managed in the manner of dragons and hogs, with much tussling and competition.
  1. Four chefs are chasing an escaped pig. The pig is actually a cursed princess, capable of communicating in rudimentary scratches and squeals. The flesh of such is said to be extra delicious.
  2. A merchant trying to eat a rib from every mammal is aghast - their prized ivory scrimshaw was accidentally thrown out with the trash. Anyone who goes to the Garbage's boneyard to find it is promised a bag of gems and an ivory earring.
  3. A masochistic troll is feeling glum. All it wants is for people far and wide to come and feed from its regenerating flanks, but it's worn out a handful of chefs already and needs either a new cook to play muse to, or a new recipe for troll flesh to keep the diners interested
  4. A friturier in the Griddle has found out about her competitor's secret ingredient - a dangerous and illegal stash of rotgrubs gorging in the Garbage. She wants you to go down and get her hard evidence that she can show to the sous
  5. A tray of hibernating toads has woken up halfway into the oven and gone mad with terror. The chef needs them asleep for her experimental smoked toad recipe, thinks that with a reasonable simulacra of swampwater from up in the Gumbo, the toads could be calmed
  6. Two tons of smokewood has been accidentally set alight. Impromptu spits have been erected all around the renegade inferno and people are happily toasting to their good fortune, but someone of less pyromaniacal inclination is going to need to round up another two tons of wood or there'll be no smoked eel available for a good week
very tired fungus farmer
Usually less urgent than the rest of the Kitchen, but no less hard worked, the staff a steady stream of ants across the tiered gardens, glasshouses and groves. Ramshackle cafes serve salad, banh mi and high tea. Cockatrice coups, suntanning apple ents and the self-managed minotaur dairy, woven together with hessian sacks of manure toted by mud-smattered, loving labourers.
  1. Before it's served at table, a specific kind of carnivorous vine must be fed somebody who's recently eaten its fruit. You didn't know this when you were offered those free samples
  2. A cracked heating pipe leading from the Griddle has released a huge cloud of steam, now trapped against the glass ceiling and blotting out the sun over a dozen different gardens. Finding and repairing the crack would be hard enough in the soggy haze, but that doesn't explain why nobody can contact the repair crew sent up there hours ago
  3. Having requested to personally thank the chef, a local high elf dignitary was appalled to discover that their meal was prepared by a small brown rat. Bringing the elf back from their meltdown would be nice, but the waiters are mostly concerned with getting Monsieur Souris out from the grip of those salad tongs
  4. A hundred-year apple tree has given its last fruit. The gardeners sharpened their axes and were ready to deliver the promised bushel of quality smoking wood to the Griddle until the tree's resident dryad threatened to uproot the whole arbour and march it straight out of the Kitchen
  5. A bed of temperamental herbs needs the finest compost available, but nobody wants to head to the Garbage and fetch a sackful. They say they don't want to go rooting around in so much trash, but more likely everyone's just spooked at the thought of bargaining with whatever lurks beneath the refuse
  6. The corpse lilies are in bloom and the garden in chaos, a greenhouse under siege by confused ghouls seeking out the source of the delectable scent. The team of gas-masked gardeners inside have almost finished harvesting the plants, but they need a way out that won't cause an undead stampede

A quite literal labyrinth of storage, of wines and food and dead chefs that might be useful in a few hundred years. Quiet ovens, curing cheese, and bonsai gardens of yeast; red wines and dark spirits. Sparkling freezers, delicate desserts and stalactites of frozen fish and fruit; white wines and clear spirits. Dry rooms above, the cold below, and everything in the Glace is elegant, from the shining steel of the world's most precise measuring cups to the arched ceilings of the skating rink.
  1. A crawling aspic has been set free to wander the halls. Its instructions are to absorb, suffocate and preserve some creature of flesh, then return to a private booth and serve itself up to a dining-party of dark elves
  2. Several dozen bowls of mandrake root ratatouille have gone missing mid-chill. A chef in both the Glacé and Gustatory promise a favour to anyone who brings a fresh supply from the Greenhouse. The mandrake handlers have all gone home
  3. The fish that swallowed a local prince's diamond ring has been tracked to an exclusive fish market. Without his diamond ring the prince has been considered too vulgar to allow in. He's now promising some slightly worse rings to anyone that can sneak in and find the one fish among several thousand
  4. A dozen dishes of creme brulee are due to arrive any minute, but the drake that's supposed to caramelize the tops has caught a cold. Someone needs to head up to the Griddle and get a bottle of dragon fire to finish off the dish in traditional fashion. The glacier would be greatly appreciative of anyone that can find a more permanent solution for their wheezy drake
  5. A potager has been sent from the Gumbo to ask the skeleton chef for a wine pairing for a catoblepas pho, but the skeleton chef is missing somewhere in the depths of a mile-long wine cellar
  6. A frozen mummy has woken up and is kicking up a stink, cursing everyone it sees and demanding they prepare the ancient meal that it requires before it sinks into another hundred year slumber. This would be business as usual, if anyone could remember how to make the byzantine meal it's requesting
Nobody to give you quests down here, just a city's worth of refuse and a titanic intelligence slowly processing it all

Monday 3 December 2018

Food Generator

For fleshing out the banquet at your local dungeon moshi
Totally use with the 'method of eating' and 'complication' tables over here

washed down with
mandrake root
thin beer
shambling mound
cactus spirits
ent apple
dipping sauce
spiced wine
griffon egg
plum wine
rice noodle
grass jelly
bay leaf
coconut water
ginger drink
water chestnut
dried dryad flowers
jasmine tea
hell hound
black beer
bell peppers
fruit juice
frog legs
gibbering mouther
snake venom
tonic water
minotaur milkshake

yay fooood

Saturday 24 November 2018

npcs of dracula's castle

This all got a bit League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. You can either use the characters themselves or the archetypes they represent. Maybe roll two and combine them??

(also kind of inspired by peter webb's thing of pop-culture collage as worldbuilding)
  1. Van Helsing - grizzled vampire hunter
  2. Lord Byron - foppish romantic author
  3. Blackbeard - swarthy pirate captain
  4. Torquemada - humourless tonsured inquisitor
  5. Lope de Aguirre - wild-eyed conquistador
  6. Don Quixote - senile paladin w/ fat servant
  7. Caligula - gibbering pervert in toga
  8. Edgar Allan Poe - melancholy novelist
  9. Falstaff - cheerful, pompous fat knight
  10. King Lear - lonely half-mad monarch
  11. Quasimodo - kind-hearted hunchback
  12. Sherlock Holmes - smug master detective
  13. Fu Manchu - silk-robed mastermind
  14. Aleister Crowley - faux-satanic tryhard
  15. D'Artagnan - jolly, foolhardy musketeer
  16. Lucrezia Borgia - poisonous femme fatale
  17. James Bond - debonair sociopathic spy
  18. Harry Flashman - cowardly war hero
  19. Dr. Frankenstein - self-loathing mad scientist
  20. Frankenstein's Monster - tragic walking corpse
  21. Ibn Battuta - urbane travelling scholar
  22. Hannibal Lecter - homicidal psychiatrist
  23. Doc Holliday - slowly-dying gunfighter
  24. Captain Macheath - chivalrous highwayman
  25. Arsene Lupin - gentleman thief
  26. Thomas Carnacki - gentleman ghost hunter
  27. Inspector Japp - gruff, stoic policeman
  28. Miss Marple - crime-solving spinster
  29. Imhotep - vengeful mummy
  30. Genghis Khan - nomad warlord
  31. Socrates - philosopher who won't shut up
  32. Li Bai - drunk poet in love w/ moon
  33. Queen of Hearts - head-chopping royal narcissist
  34. Jack the Ripper - manic serial killer
  35. Hawley Griffin - invisible lunatic
  36. Sweeney Todd - throat-slitting barber
  37. Erik the Red - Viking berserker
  38. Thomas de Quincey - perplexed opium addict
  39. Oda Nobunaga - honourable samurai
  40. Leonardo da Vinci - clockwork inventor
  41. Merlin - powerful-but-useless wizard
  42. Nikola Tesla - autistic electric savant
  43. Red Sonja - half-naked barbarian warrior
  44. Zorro - flamboyant masked hero
  45. The Grey Mouser - wry, pragmatic rogue
  46. Nero Wolfe - obese, immobile sleuth
  47. Mikhail Bakunin - bearded revolutionary
  48. Tom Swift - boy adventurer w/ gadgets
  49. Elric of Melnibone - depressed wandering hero
  50. Franz Mesmer - creepy hypnotist
  51. Sir Galahad - gallant Grail-seeker
  52. Baba Yaga - crooked old witch
  53. Joan of Arc - divinely-guided soldier
  54. Pennywise - horrible clown
  55. Gorilla Grodd - resentful psychic ape
  56. Dr. Moreau - breeder of hideous hybrids
  57. Hercules - boisterous strongman
  58. Ja'far ibn Yahya - scheming grand vizier
  59. Rasputin - hollow-eyed mad monk
  60. Baron Munchausen - teller of absurd tales
  61. Hop-Frog - psychotic court jester
  62. Robin Hood - anticapitalist archer
  63. Elizabeth Bathory - bather in virgins' blood
  64. The Hardy Boys - mystery-solving teens
  65. Abraham Lincoln - folksy statesman
  66. Sigmund Freud - sex-obsessed alienist
  67. Charles Darwin - naturalist w/ grand theory
  68. Napoleon - extremely short conqueror
  69. Fox Mulder - conspiracy theorist
  70. Oscar Wilde - acerbic old queen
  71. Geronimo - stone-faced outlaw
  72. Charles Manson - hippie murder-cult leader
  73. Sun Wukong - unstoppable trickster hero
  74. Pantagruel - gluttonous stupid giant
  75. Beethoven - manic, half-deaf composer
  76. The Buddha - calm, cryptic sage
  77. Ramses II - pharaoh who thinks he's God
  78. Lassie - extremely good dog
  79. Daniel Boone - surly frontiersman
  80. HP Lovecraft - racist sci-fi nerd
  81. C-3PO - chirpy mechanical servant
  82. Al Capone - wisecracking mobster
  83. Jordan Peterson - faux-intellectual conman
  84. Gepetto - avuncular toymaker
  85. Houdini - renowned escapologist
  86. Queequeg - tattooed pagan harpoonist
  87. Mephistopheles - tempting devil
  88. Robert Johnson - itinerant bluesman
  89. Aladdin - thieving street urchin
  90. Scarlett O'Hara  - Southern belle
  91. Ulysses McGill - smooth-talking hobo
  92. Nigel Thornberry - pith-helmeted explorer
  93. Sabrina - teenage witch w/ talking cat
  94. P. T. Barnum - slick freak-show proprietor
  95. Burke and Hare - body-snatching best friends
  96. Vladimir and Estragon - philosophical tramps
  97. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern - bickering sycophants
  98. Bonnie and Clyde - romantic bank robbers
  99. Batman and Robin - caped crusader and teen sidekick
  100. Count Alucard - definitely not Dracula
What are they doing though:
  1. Looking for treasure
  2. Looking for way out
  3. Looking for Dracula
  4. Hiding from monster
  5. Arguing with (roll again)
  6. Fighting with (roll again)

Friday 21 September 2018

homunculi pt. 2

you can have your homunculus look like anything you want it to but broadly each type varies between two extremes of form and function, depending on what pieces of your mind you put into it

scraps - hair and skin
excreta - shit and piss
meat - muscle and tendon
blood - vein and scab
bone - cartilage and bone
seed - cum and menses

id (cha) ego (int)superego (wis)
scrapsbroken-backed mice of twisted hair, devolving into redwall-esque, prop-twirling pantomime
wishes to flourish and wither, be the centre of attention
no sense of self, a projection of the group unconscious
performative pretenses of humanity; a potemkin being, the facile skin of humanity
unserious, unfocused, fickle, mercurial
doesn't want to do what you say, wants to do what you do
like huge hung sheets of dusty skin enshrining a muddy heart of phlegm
wants to imitate, conform, tidy, make neat and uniform
self-conscious, terrified of attention, freezes or flees when watched
excretaa sluggish bulk of crusty shit, leaching entropic miasma into the ground
is anal-expulsive; spreading, infecting, engulfing
obsessive-compulsive, counting, touching, pacing
anally fixated; obsessed with their interaction with the world, with boundaries and transgression
hyper-focused, childish, archaean efforts to understand, categorise
bile homunculi are more often still in the oral stage, having a desire to eat their way back into the mouth/womb
three score writhing white worms wheezing urea breath from scrunched baby faces
is anal-retentive; refining, isolating, dividing
obsessive compulsively sorts objects, chemicals extracted from objects
meata squat red ape, its head a twisted tongue furred with probing fibrillae
compelled to act; push boulders up mountains, flail until it tears
spasmic motion, self mutilation, mutual annihilation
uses the world as a means to test themself; a sword that's lodged in them is their sword now
pigheaded, quick to anger, wants to solve every problem directly and with force, but understands leverage better than you expected
can never lower the stakes
a fat wad of gristle, ten tendon arms grasping for a hostage, a bomb
only feels secure in the tensest situations; wants to drive things faster, be the only one that can hold on
hypochondriac panic, hysteria, overreaction
blooda lurching anemone of veins and nerves, of pulsing, tumbling, burrowing gait
obsessive exploration, intermingling, a junkie craving for new sensation
of exploration of the outside world, the ego learning to mediate between id and superego
driven, persistent, slow to learn, with the passive thirst of a paper towel
will happily bleed resources away trying the same thing over and over
flat, territorial scabs on the library wall, with white-celled spurs that melt flesh
compelled to clot, seal, hide, hoard
agoraphobic, xenophobic, fears of the unknown
bloata dozen little hogmen, greedy barbarians wrought from a fistful of tallow and a smear of blood
ever chewing, swallowing, absorbing, compulsively gorging
no impulse control, cannot overcome need to eat
terrified by the sensation of time passing, a first fumbling fear of mortality
passionate, melancholy, melodramatic
desperately wants to maximise its lived experience, inevitably drives itself to either swift chaotic death or interminable monotonous starvation 
a still pool of liquid fat, ready to pull you in and set hard around you, while it tries to work out what to do
hibernates, over-thinks, over-plans, wallows in paranoia
cannot parse rapid change, crippled by decision paralysis
bonea mouth-up manta of cartilage, like an ear, puckering to an agile, intelligent tail
flexible, good at adapting its approach, but not its goal
can improvise but struggles to learn
an awareness of past and future, a need to perform better next time
calculating, focused, narrow-minded
tries to optimise performance, flexible enough to adapt, as solid as it can be without shattering
a puzzlebox of tooth-edged knuckles, mind and body splintering into yet more lethal geometries
precision, efficiency, refinement, competition
can learn but not improvise
seedan oedipus; fixated on killing the father-mother and impregnating their body to fuel a glorious biogenesis
instinct driven to multiply, fuck, breed, become legion
the phallic stage; the cusp of psychosexual development, self-determination
complete but not final, not yet perfect
direct, prideful, predatory
an elektra; fixated on killing the mother-father and using their seed to construct another, more perfect homunculus
obsessed with martyrdom, survival of the fittest, anhedonic sex, lustless procreation

and for your troubles, some Patricia Piccinini

jesus christ fucking freud man
some of those wikipedia pages were pretty hard to get through

penis envy? fuck you man
(u 2 jung)
i'll show u something to be envious of
(the above hog)