WORLD'S MOST EVIL HYDRA

The WORLD'S MOST EVIL HYDRA possesses the heads of history's greatest villains. It is born from the paradox created when somebody tries to go back in time and kill Hitler.

1. STALIN. Bite causes victims to slowly fade from reality. Their past actions are undone, beginning with the most recent, until they are entirely edited out of history. If they've chopped off any heads, those heads will regrow.
2. POL POT. Anyone looking at this head through glasses, or any other kind of manufactured lens, must save or die instantly.
3. NERO. Breathes fire. The flames crackle with the sound of fiddle music.
4. BIN LADEN. Tall buildings in the vicinity spontaneously collapse.
5. VLAD DRACULA. Causes wooden stakes to spring out of the ground beneath people.
6. THATCHER. Iron teeth. Bite curses victims with slow starvation.
7. CASTRO. Breathes cloud of foul-smelling, vision-blocking, lung-invading cigar smoke.
8. JUDAS. Barfs a torrent of silver onto the ground. Anyone who takes the silver will be compelled to betray their friends.
9. BLACKBEARD. Beard braided into writhing pigtails, stuck through with lighted matches, that entangle foes and burn them.
10. NIXON. Pins victims down with its jowls and drowns them in flopsweat.
11. CALIGULA. All horses in the vicinity become senators and refuse to obey the authority of their riders.
12. TRUMP. Endless stream of blather forces victims to save against confusion and despair.
13. MAO. Gaze forces victims to kneel in place and confess how they have betrayed the revolution. Failure to confess anything will result in laceration with broken glass.
14. RICHARD III. Seems surprisingly reasonable. Whispers to party one at a time, sowing demoralisation and discord.
15. TOJO. Birds and other flying things divebomb its victims and explode into balls of fire.
16. CROMWELL. Any monarch within a mile who takes any damage will immediately die.
17. MCCARTHY. Victims must save or be convinced that the hydra is an illusion created by secret witches.
18. MACHIAVELLI. Hangs back and advises the other heads, making them more cunning and powerful.
19. PUTIN. Knows the most embarrassing secret of anyone it fights and will threaten to reveal it unless they serve its agenda.
20. RASPUTIN. Hypnotic stare. Can't be chopped off until it has been drowned, shot and poisoned.
21. ATTILA THE HUN. Head can't be cut off, but will die if given a nosebleed.
22. THE KRAYS. These two heads will regrow unless they are chopped off simultaneously.
23. NED KELLY. Head can't be cut off unless iron helmet is first removed. Attacks with headbutts. Hates coppers.
24. LEOPOLD II. On a critical hit, bites off a hand.
25. ROBESPIERRE. On a critical hit, bites off a head.
26. JACK THE RIPPER. On a critical hit, tears out a random organ with its teeth.
27. MUSSOLINI. Hydra is accompanied by 1d20 low-level thugs in black clothing, who will flee if this head is defeated.
28. GENGHIS KHAN. Hydra is accompanied by 2d4 horse archers, who will flee if this head is defeated.
29. AL CAPONE. Hydra is accompanied by 1d4 high-level enforcers from local thieves' guild, who will flee if this head is defeated. Bleeds moonshine.
30. TORQUEMADA. Always gets a surprise attack, as nobody expects it.

oh god I put too much of my life into this monstrosity

d10 Masks

1. Stinkle. Crotchety and imperious. Can sniff out buried treasure and smell where disease is located in a patient's body, but will refuse to do so except for money. Stalwart against fire, but fears water and sharp objects.

2. Bode. Can speak with the freshly dead, and sees no important distinction between them and the living. Borderline autistic. Clammy to the touch. Attracts amphibians, who seem to hold it in some kind of reverence.

3. Gosper. A rabble-rouser and demagogue. Voice can be heard by anyone who sees it, even over the rumble of a crowd. Convinces people to smash their idols for the fun of it and burn their own cities as a joke, then skips away merrily in the ensuing confusion.

4. Jiro. Infuriatingly calm in dangerous situations. Always knows a way out, but won't reveal it until the last minute. Knows the most carefully-guarded secrets of everyone it meets and refers to them in casual conversation. Seeds sprout at its touch.

5. Egwu. A loveable idiot. Everyone's best friend. Can move unconcealed through any social environment on account of being obviously too stupid to be dangerous. Clumsy but lucky, always blundering headlong into fortune. Hated by dogs.

6. Shrieg. Always hungry, but too embarrassed to eat in the presence of other people. Stomach rumbles audibly in the presence of food. Can sustain life on any kind of organic matter, the more rotten and indigestible the better, and will fall on garbage with gusto as soon as it's left alone.

7. Balank. A connoisseur. Takes an amazingly long time to make up its mind about anything, but makes the right decision ninety-nine times out of a hundred. Has an annoying habit of clicking its tongue.

8. Rocus. Walks with the shuffling gait of a very fat man. Insists on getting a laugh from everyone it meets, progressing from jokes through slapstick to unpredictable and nauseating violence. Strong enough to lift a cow over its head.

9. Pippi. A crack shot with any kind of ranged weapon. Terrified of a golden panther that may or may not be hunting it down to take vengeance for some unspecified sin. Looks under all beds and unseals all closed containers to check if the panther is hiding there.

10. Hampus. No special powers. Just a really cool, laid-back sort of a dude.

Hedgehags

Hedgehag Spells

Those in the hedgehog community that can use magic are referred to, rather self-awarely, as hedgehags. A hedgehag is likely to know some of the below spells, in addition to minor charms for encouraging the growth of moss/fungus/roots, attracting delicious bugs, keeping water sources clean.

1. Curl
   A space of up to X by X feet folds into itself, unfolded at will, with no damage to enclosed objects/people. Light and air enter the space via a one dimensional slit, but it is otherwise intangible. Perception check to notice the slit, a thin shaft of sun/moon/torchlight
2. Bristle
   Causes spines to grow from the target object or surface. Metal or stone spines deal 1d6 damage on contact, all other spines deal 1d4 damage. Pattern, size of spines can be controlled to, e.g, form a ladder, spell out a message
3. Mulch
   Forepaws and teeth emanate an aura that decomposes dead organic matter, rots wood, erodes stone. This spell can also be used to burrow at half movement speed
4. Sniff
   Grants caster ability to follow a scent, given a sample of the smell. Allows for tracking people/animals, finding water/food, locating gold/good fortune. Can also be used to anoint with a scent, forming a froth that can pass on the target scent to anything that's rubbed with it
5. Dream
   Draws the caster partway into the spirit realm. Allows for vision quests, astral projection and communion with both ghosts and nature spirits
6. Shuck
   Pulls snails from shells, ants from nests, water from wells, gold from chests. Will pull pretty much anything from anything, with strength X.
7. Shed
   Causes X hundred pounds of autumn leaves to blow through the space between caster's fingers/claws. Can be used to obscure vision, smother flames, hide treacherous ground, celebrate birthdays, or just produce a delicious snack for worms
8. Worms
   Draws forth X pounds of worms from the earth or, in dire straits, from the stomach. Worms can be of any size, even just one really big one. Simple worm brains can be controlled explicitly by caster while within X feet but can only remember one syllable commands when out of range. Everything felt by the worms can be felt by the caster, albeit hazily
   Any spell cast can be conducted through summoned worms, with some alterations:
1. Curl allows objects swallowed by one worm to be regurgitated by any other
2. Bristle grants worms an actual attack, dealing damage based on their size
3. Mulch works much the same, but worms burrow at twice movespeed
4. Sniff causes them to smell and taste like the target of the spell
5. Dream turns them into an effective peyote substitute
6. Shuck knots worms up, gathering tension to fire through their own coils like meaty darts
7. Shed makes worms peel apart into a burst of leaves. Please don't do this

I mean this wasn't quite the tone I was going for but fuck me Ryuutama here I come

Hedghags in a World that isn't Redwall

If you think the spell list is cute but for some reason everyone you know isn't running games in which it's valid to be a tiny hedgehog, I'd suggest you stat up a druid that has accidentally swapped bodies with one such mammal during a vision quest. This also gives you the opportunity to RP as a hedgehog coming to grips with a taste for meat, year-round sexual drive, and the fact that curling into a ball solves very few of its problems.

Other Hedgehog Facts from Wikipedia

Hedgehogs:

• can hibernate, maintaining a body temp of ~2°C. Dope synergy with Curl
• have some immunity to snake venom. Fuck wait really? Holy shit
• are prone to cancer. Hedgehag turned evil by brain cancer sounds like a viable villain to me
• deliberately trap their heads in cardboard tubes for fun. This should not be in your game probably
• are collectively referred to as an array. Other names for hedgehogs include heyghoge, urchin, furze-pig

I AM A VERY SERIOUS AUTHOR RUNNING A VERY SERIOUS BLOG

Islands of the Captured Sea

The Islands of the Belly - or Il-Gżejjer ta 'l-Żaqq, as they are known in the local language - are the Captured Sea's only pendocracy. Twice a year, on the day of the equinox, all who choose to contest are taken to Ġagantija Temple (said to have been constructed by a giantess who ate nothing but beans and honey) and ceremonially weighed on enormous golden scales by emaciated slave-priests wreathed in flowers. The heaviest person becomes Adiparch, and for the next six months wields absolute power over life and death. In a measure to discourage frivolous entries, the lightest person gets roasted alive over the Excellent Flame of Ġagantija. The crackling made from their fat is traditionally the centrepiece of the new Adiparch's victory feast.

The islands are all but waterless, a desert of crumbling limestone dotted with ancient fortifications and populated mostly by caterpillars and prickly pears. The local peasants, notorious for their stinginess, jealously guard every inch of their land with drystone walls intricate as jigsaw puzzles, prone to collapsing in any of the hundred and one Named Breezes that plague the coasts during the stormy season. Painted jackals stalk the hinterlands, and swashbuckling Porcupine Men are said to have established smuggler's camps along the outer beaches. The largest landholder is the House of Thumb and Kidney. Its slaves - fed exclusively on cactus juice, which tastes like a mixture of bitter orange and cigarette butts - toil in the blazing sun under the salt-coated lashes of obese overseers, when they're not pulling oars in the fetid depths of the triremes. The islands are located in almost the exact geographical centre of the Captured Sea, a natural crossroads for trade. The grand harbour of Għadam Tax-Xedaq (the only city worth mentioning) is home to merchants of a thousand nations, from eastern Snailcatchers selling dye, alphabets and cedarwood to western Tarshishans selling apples and raw orichalcum. This trade is a vital source of both income and nutrition. Żaqqi banquets are legendary, and the houses compete greedily with each other for delicacies from every corner of the globe. One is advised, however, to keep an eye out for poisons, which are designed to induce vomiting and rapid weight-loss as much as death.

The other great Żaqqi pastime is fortune-telling. Any aristocrat worth their fat keeps on hand a haruspex, whose job is to interpret the entrails of any living creature they can get their hands on. Obesity is again considered valuable here, and the great saltwater hippos which wallow among the island's shallow reefs are renowned for the accuracy of the omens hidden in their guts. Human beings can also be used, of course, if they're fat enough. There are very few whales in the Captured Sea, and only once in history have a crew ventured into the waters beyond the Titan's Pillar to harpoon a leviathan from the River that Girdles the Earth and drag it back, still living, for the soothsayers to get at before it started to rot. Nobody knows what they found, however, as it was considered too shocking to make public and imprisoned for good in the library of the House of Palm and Sinus.

Other methods of prognostication include studying the patterns of holes in leaves eaten by caterpillars, listening to stomach gurgles (which are believed to be the voices of the dead), casting sparrow-bones, scattering grain before sacred roosters and looking at the movement of the planets. The so-called "wretched oracles" of the northern isles are children who've had maggots introduced into small holes cut in their skulls, murmuring increasingly-incoherent auguries over the six months or so it takes for the insects to devour their brains. This practice is disdained in the more civilised south.

A list of island delicacies, by no means comprehensive:

• Songbirds drowned in cactus liqueur
• Caterpillars fattened on nettles, the aim being to see how fat you can get it before it metamorphoses
• Boiled ostrich embryo, still in the shell
• Dormice fed exclusively on pomegranate seeds, frightened to death, roasted and glazed with honey
• Baked starfish
• Flamingo tongues fried in butter
• Sea anemone soup, a clear glutinous broth flavoured ever so slightly with ginger
• Goat uterus packed with live starlings
• The livers of thirteen different animals, mashed into a thick paste and spread on figs
• Tortoises dropped by specially-trained falcons into vats of boiling brine
• Elephant ears, said to lose their flavour if the elephant they're taken from dies
• Scorpions dusted with paprika
• Ape cheese
• Giant oysters, the size of two fists together yet disturbingly easy to swallow whole
• Pitcher plants served raw with their prey half-digested inside them

All of it is served with garum, a fermented fishgut sauce that the islanders claim goes with everything.

Bond Villain Generator

no, mr bond, i expect you to click me

BEST OF FIGHTERS: ELITE

BEST OF FIGHTERS: ELITE, the expansion and semi-sequel to Japanese combat simulator BEST OF FIGHTERS, was a source of much controversy among the game's small but devoted fanbase. Almost everyone appreciated its massive expansion of the roster, but its rebalancing of several key characters drove a rift through the community, with a small but vocal minority demanding that Finnegan the leprechaun (broadly considered too powerful, and popularly nicknamed "Win-again") be restored to his former glory. The merits of the story mode, with its bewildering array of subplots and mandatory dating-sim sections, were hotly debated. Accusations of racial insensitivity abounded and the removal of certain elements from the American edition - two costumes, three stages, one piece of background music and one entire character - occasioned howls of derision from all the usual suspects. It remains to be seen if the holdouts will be won over and ELITE will gain as much respect as its beloved predecessor.

1. VIVI. Classmate of Haruto's. Punk rocker. Fights with spiked chains wrapped around her fists. Secretly from a wealthy family and terrified people will find out. In love with Mako.
2. ICHIRO. Classmate of Haruto's. Baseball player who fights with bat in hand. Ultimate move involves pitching a fastball that breaks the sound barrier. In love with Vivi.
3. SAGA. Classmate of Haruto's. Master of calligraphy. Fights with a paintbrush as long as an oar. Can paint temporary walls in the air. Likes to draw moustaches on defeated foes. In love with Ichiro.
4. KONCHU. Classmate of Haruto's. President of the science club. Accidentally fused with a praying mantis in an experiment gone wrong. Left arm replaced by lethal claw. In love with Saga.
5. SHAOSHI. Master of Shaolin who is masquerading as an English teacher in order to keep an eye on the previous four characters. Does not speak English.
6. YIJIN. Former disciple of Shaoshi's, expelled from the monastery for studying the Eleven Forbidden Techniques that if practiced wrongly could unhinge nature itself. Posing as the school janitor for reasons yet unknown.
7. ARRIBA. A matador who plants bright-coloured barbs in the flesh of her opponents, dancing out of the way as they slowly bleed out before stepping in for the killing blow. Got bored of bulls and decided to graduate to a more dangerous prey.
8. YASHVI. A wealthy Indian princess who wields a pair of antique punch daggers once used by her great-grandfather to disembowel a British general. Hunts tigers with them on her private game reserve, accompanied only by her faithful butler.
9. MARCEL. An international assassin with a day job as a Parisian street mime. A master of savate, he dispenses his lethal flying kicks in total silence. Can compel people to accept his performance as reality, bouncing off his invisible walls and becoming entangled in his invisible ropes.
10. FALSETTO. Holographic idol singer who is programmed to know every kind of martial art. Beloved by millions. Unclear how she actually hits people.
11. BLANC. Cartoon rabbit who escaped from the world of animation into our reality. Can turn into a spring, pull enormous hammers from nowhere, etc. In love with Falsetto.
12. HOTEI. A sumo wrestler in a Santa hat and red loincloth. Hits people with an enormous sack of toys. Big booming belly laugh. Loved by children everywhere.
13. GUAN. A stork carrying a human baby. The baby seems happy and comfortable, even when it is being used as a blunt weapon. Nobody knows who taught the stork kung fu.
14. CAPET. A clockwork automaton built for Louis XVI by an anonymous Oriental craftsman, who secretly imbued it with lost Shaolin knowledge. Lost during the revolution, it was abandoned in a warehouse for two hundred years before a curious peasant girl discovered it and thought to turn the huge key protruding from its back. Now on the run from both the British Museum, who want to collect it, and the Shaolin Elders, who view its existence as an abomination, it seeks refuge in the world's most elite martial arts tournament. Incredibly fast but has to stop every so often to wind itself up.
15. POD. A carnivorous plant. Can't move around the battlefield, as it must stay rooted in its pot, though it can belch acid and lash out with thorn-tipped vines. A difficult character to learn, but rewarding for those who have mastered it.
16. PICANTE. A South American dictator. Unsatisfied with his status as Supreme Ruler and Generalissimo over the tiny landlocked country of El Caliente, he sees no reason why he should not also triumph in the world's most elite martial arts tournament. Can control fire, for some inadequately explained reason.
17. SARMOTI. A white tiger. Trained by the Las Vegas showmen Sven and Ricardo, it savagely turned on them halfway through a performance, ripping out Sven's throat before carving a bloody trail across the Sunset Strip. How it got invited to participate in the world's most elite martial arts tournament is unknown.
18. MEKONG. Abandoned as a child in the swamps of Southeast Asia, this Muay Thai fighter was raised until the age of thirteen by Siamese fighting fish, and still retains many of their lethal instincts. She also dresses like one.
19. TRUTH MAN. A patriotic American newspaper mogul who dons a striped mask and blue three-piece suit to become an anonymous crimefighter and defender of the innocent. Solves mysteries with the help of his faithful valet. Currently solving the mystery of who is the world's greatest martial artist.
20. SCIPIO. Truth Man's faithful valet. Dresses all in black, with a chauffeur's cap. An expert in something that looks suspiciously like Wing Chun.
21. BEDLAM. A madman confined to a straightjacket. Fights using only his legs and teeth.
22. HACHI. A swarm of bees. Can shape itself into axes, whips, revolvers, etc. Ultimate attack involves taking the form of a nuclear bomb. Initially planned to be the character who copies other fighters, but the animation proved too difficult for the budget.
23. MOLA. A princess from the lost city of Atlantis. Wants to return the seven Tide Jewels to their rightful place at the bottom of the sea, where no man can access their power. Wields a shark as a club.
24. ZWAX. African-American rap legend who faked his own death in order to assume his rightful place as leader of the Illuminati. Wears gilded brass knuckles and a huge golden necklace shaped like the Eye of Providence. Wants the seven Tide Jewels for himself, to cement his place as secret ruler of the globe.
25. BRUTUS. Legbreaker for the Italian Mafia, sent to collect the seven Tide Jewels before the Illuminati can get their hands on them. Dresses as a gladiator. Fights with a trident and a weighted net.
26. IGNATZ. Jesuit monster hunter, dispatched by the Catholic Church to gain control of the seven Tide Jewels. Fights with a huge spiked silver thurible he swings like a mace.
27. O-53. British superspy, impeccably dressed in bespoke suit and laser wristwatch. Real name unknown. Supplements kung fu with range of interesting gadgets developed for him by MI6 boffins. Wants the Tide Jewels in order to restore Britannia's mastery of the waves.
28. SHALOM. Kung-fu rabbi and Mossad agent. Also after the Tide Jewels. Possesses a black belt in Krav Maga and a seemingly infinite supply of six-pointed throwing stars. Constantly chasing after Fatima.
29. FATIMA. This character's absence from the American edition elicited complaints of censorship from thousands of aggrieved fans. A so-called "sexy suicide bomber", she sashays onto the battlefield in a full-body burqa, which is torn off at half health to reveal an explosive-belt bikini. She seeks the Tide Jewels for Al-Quaeda, and is in possession of a surprisingly complex and tragic backstory.
30. SPECIAL GUEST STAR SONIC THE HEDGEHOG.

BEST OF FIGHTERS

This is the cast of the fighting game that we would be making if we were Japanese and a video game company. It is called BEST OF FIGHTERS. The rest should be obvious.

1. HARUTO. Ordinary high schooler who has accidentally entered the world's most elite martial arts tournament.
2. YUI. Haruto's best friend. Entered the tournament to support him, against his protestations. Clumsy and extremely kawaii. Fights by falling over and hitting things with her schoolbag. Runs on stage with toast in her mouth.
3. TAKUMI. Big fat neckbeard otaku who learnt martial arts from watching too much anime.
4. MAKO. Gender ambiguous. Super cool, wears sunglasses. School captain and secret heir to ninja clan.
5. KOGA-SENPAI. Math teacher of previous four characters. Secret ninja assassin from rival clan to Mako.
6. MONJU. A Buddhist deity who was cast down from Heaven for reasons unknown and now wanders the Earth. Sits in lotus position atop a blue lion, wielding a lotus flower and a sword that can cut ignorance.
7. LI'L TUT. An American featherweight boxer who dresses as an Egyptian mummy and wears a golden death mask. Real identity unknown.
8. FRANK. The result of a secret American military experiment. Body parts from deceased members of every Special Forces branch, Frankensteined together into a hideous undead supersoldier. Left arm of a Green Beret, right leg of a Navy Seal, head of a Delta Force guy.
9. MONTY. British archaeologist. Pith helmet and safari suit. Fights with artefacts looted from various pre-industrial cultures - boomerang, blowgun, tomahawk, etc. Ultimate move involves marble statues falling from the sky, is called Fall Of Rome.
10. OTTO. Circus strongman with striped leotard and handlebar moustache. Has a projectile move where he throws dwarves at people.
11. PONGO. Orangutan with boxing gloves. Otto's nemesis.
12. WAYANG. Evil animated Javanese puppet. It stands downstage, attacking with its shadow, which is projected onto the main plane of combat.
13. KING KAMA. Hawai'ian surfer in board shorts and lei. Board is possessed by the spirit of an ancient Hawai'ian king and moves on its own, acting as weapon, shield and vehicle. Ultimate move involves riding a summoned tsunami.
14. WU XING. Shanghai alchemist. Can adopt five different elemental forms - fire, water, wood, metal, earth.
15. ITAMAE. Master sushi chef. Fights with the kitchen knives of her ancestors.
16. TAKO. An octopus with its head in a fishbowl. Constantly on the run from Itamae.
17. HARRY FAN. Film noir detective from 1930s Hong Kong, brought forward in time by the machinations of an evil sorcerer. Backs up his kung fu with a snubnose revolver.
18. SHINOBU. Tattooed yakuza guy who has replaced his severed pinky with a tiny gun.
19. FINNEGAN. A leprechaun. Always dancing a jig. Half the size of the other characters. Rides rainbows across the stage and bleeds gold coins when hit.
20. TENGU. A master thief that wears a tengu mask and balances on one-toothed wooden sandals. Flamboyant and roguish. Famous for committing impossible heists.
21. EMET. A golem molded from malleable clay that can take the form of any other fighter.
22. MAGOG. A caveman preserved in a Siberian glacier for a hundred thousand years. Literally the first thing he did on being unfrozen was to seek out the world's most elite martial arts tournament.
23. YAGA. A tiny Russian witch whose legs are chicken legs. Jumps super high. Disembowels foes with razor-sharp talons.
24. WELLS. A scientist who was accidentally turned invisible in an experiment gone wrong. Can throw off her hat and trenchcoat to become just a white-painted face and a pair of hands floating in mid-air, making her moves hard to read.
25. BEM. A thrill-seeking space alien who has come to Earth in order to compete in the world's most elite martial arts tournament, which is unmatched anywhere in the galaxy. Has no understanding of this Earth concept called "fairness" and will gleefully attempt to disintegrate foes with its laser rifle.
26. PHUONG. A street urchin who has trained her monkey to distract people while she picks their pockets. Got into the tournament by pretending to be the daughter of a legendary kung fu master.
27. QUAN. A very old woman who is always drunk. Master of drunken-style kung fu, poetry and the baking of excellent moon cakes.
28. KADRU. CEO of N.A.G.A., the megacorporation that sponsors the world's most elite martial arts tournament. Actually an immortal dragon that lost a bet with her sister, Vinata, and as a result was confined to human form. Plans to use the tournament to obtain the seven Tide Jewels and become a dragon again, drowning the world in the process.
29. TAI. Kadru's daughter and henchperson. Pan's identical twin. Snake tattoo on her left arm. Poisons people with punches.
30. PAN. Kadru's daughter and henchperson. Tai's identical twin. Snake tattoo on her right leg. Poisons people with kicks.