Thursday 8 September 2016


This is the cast of the fighting game that we would be making if we were Japanese and a video game company. It is called BEST OF FIGHTERS. The rest should be obvious.
  1. HARUTO. Ordinary high schooler who has accidentally entered the world's most elite martial arts tournament.
  2. YUI. Haruto's best friend. Entered the tournament to support him, against his protestations. Clumsy and extremely kawaii. Fights by falling over and hitting things with her schoolbag. Runs on stage with toast in her mouth.
  3. TAKUMI. Big fat neckbeard otaku who learnt martial arts from watching too much anime.
  4. MAKO. Gender ambiguous. Super cool, wears sunglasses. School captain and secret heir to ninja clan.
  5. KOGA-SENPAI. Math teacher of previous four characters. Secret ninja assassin from rival clan to Mako.
  6. MONJU. A Buddhist deity who was cast down from Heaven for reasons unknown and now wanders the Earth. Sits in lotus position atop a blue lion, wielding a lotus flower and a sword that can cut ignorance.
  7. LI'L TUT. An American featherweight boxer who dresses as an Egyptian mummy and wears a golden death mask. Real identity unknown.
  8. FRANK. The result of a secret American military experiment. Body parts from deceased members of every Special Forces branch, Frankensteined together into a hideous undead supersoldier. Left arm of a Green Beret, right leg of a Navy Seal, head of a Delta Force guy.
  9. MONTY. British archaeologist. Pith helmet and safari suit. Fights with artefacts looted from various pre-industrial cultures - boomerang, blowgun, tomahawk, etc. Ultimate move involves marble statues falling from the sky, is called Fall Of Rome.
  10. OTTO. Circus strongman with striped leotard and handlebar moustache. Has a projectile move where he throws dwarves at people.
  11. PONGO. Orangutan with boxing gloves. Otto's nemesis.
  12. WAYANG. Evil animated Javanese puppet. It stands downstage, attacking with its shadow, which is projected onto the main plane of combat.
  13. KING KAMA. Hawai'ian surfer in board shorts and lei. Board is possessed by the spirit of an ancient Hawai'ian king and moves on its own, acting as weapon, shield and vehicle. Ultimate move involves riding a summoned tsunami.
  14. WU XING. Shanghai alchemist. Can adopt five different elemental forms - fire, water, wood, metal, earth.
  15. ITAMAE. Master sushi chef. Fights with the kitchen knives of her ancestors.
  16. TAKO. An octopus with its head in a fishbowl. Constantly on the run from Itamae.
  17. HARRY FAN. Film noir detective from 1930s Hong Kong, brought forward in time by the machinations of an evil sorcerer. Backs up his kung fu with a snubnose revolver.
  18. SHINOBU. Tattooed yakuza guy who has replaced his severed pinky with a tiny gun.
  19. FINNEGAN. A leprechaun. Always dancing a jig. Half the size of the other characters. Rides rainbows across the stage and bleeds gold coins when hit.
  20. TENGU. A master thief that wears a tengu mask and balances on one-toothed wooden sandals. Flamboyant and roguish. Famous for committing impossible heists.
  21. EMET. A golem molded from malleable clay that can take the form of any other fighter.
  22. MAGOG. A caveman preserved in a Siberian glacier for a hundred thousand years. Literally the first thing he did on being unfrozen was to seek out the world's most elite martial arts tournament.
  23. YAGA. A tiny Russian witch whose legs are chicken legs. Jumps super high. Disembowels foes with razor-sharp talons.
  24. WELLS. A scientist who was accidentally turned invisible in an experiment gone wrong. Can throw off her hat and trenchcoat to become just a white-painted face and a pair of hands floating in mid-air, making her moves hard to read.
  25. BEM. A thrill-seeking space alien who has come to Earth in order to compete in the world's most elite martial arts tournament, which is unmatched anywhere in the galaxy. Has no understanding of this Earth concept called "fairness" and will gleefully attempt to disintegrate foes with its laser rifle.
  26. PHUONG. A street urchin who has trained her monkey to distract people while she picks their pockets. Got into the tournament by pretending to be the daughter of a legendary kung fu master.
  27. QUAN. A very old woman who is always drunk. Master of drunken-style kung fu, poetry and the baking of excellent moon cakes.
  28. KADRU. CEO of N.A.G.A., the megacorporation that sponsors the world's most elite martial arts tournament. Actually an immortal dragon that lost a bet with her sister, Vinata, and as a result was confined to human form. Plans to use the tournament to obtain the seven Tide Jewels and become a dragon again, drowning the world in the process.
  29. TAI. Kadru's daughter and henchperson. Pan's identical twin. Snake tattoo on her left arm. Poisons people with punches.
  30. PAN. Kadru's daughter and henchperson. Tai's identical twin. Snake tattoo on her right leg. Poisons people with kicks.


  1. This is amazing and I would play it. I want to google "Best of Fighters" and look for the character art but it doesn't exist yet.

    Recipe seems to be international stereotypes + cute lil inversion or twist, weaponized.

  2. Better than any actual fighting game that does exist. Should be made immediately.

  3. Monty, Otto, and Pongo are superb.

  4. Hit the nail on the head here. I'm surprised I haven't seen a Monty analogue anywhere.