Shark Tabble

Tabbles are very important and also are sharks. Thanks for enjoy.

1. Fat. Scarred. One side of mouth pulled up in grin.
2. Lean. Dark. A little too long. Spine not smooth enough; jointed like elbows.
3. Short. Blunt. All mouth, no tail. Fins stunted.
4. Striped. Poised. Fins suggest elegant, poisonous fans.
5. Hunched. Intent. Drags itself through the water like it's crawling.
6. Vacant. Monolithic. Drifts like a glacier, mouth agape.
7. Misshapen. Symmetrical. Blunt hammer-heads of flesh along length.
8. Powerful. Uncaring. Kills of spite not for you, but for your species.
9. Sharp. Tight. Bent like an arrow. Always watching something else.
10. Silent. Watchful. Mouth itches its way forwards. Tips of fins spasm.
11. Curved. Pale. Body washes away from a pointed maw.
12. Driftwood. Roll again for the description of the driftwood.

These all also work flawlessly for describing people, as well. Just roll on through the bits with fins.

Hopefully I included all the sharketypes.

I really wanted to include this shark chart because I love it.

d100 Stuffs

This is a big fuck off tabble of normal stuffs that normal people could conceivably have on them and like fiddle with enough for it to be noticeable. You should kill those people and steal the the things and make them part of your schtick because character building.

Click to find out what weird loot this idiot is fiddling with

1. Bag o' dice
2. Snuff box
3. Opera eyeglass dealie
4. Monocle
5. Really blunt butterfly knife
6. Ball-peen hammer on cute utility belt
7. Necklace puzzle thing from Yu-Gi-Oh
8. Prayer beads
9. Pipe
10. Sketchpad
11. Bonsai tree in glass bubble
12. Sea monkeys in glass bubble
13. Good luck charm
14. Foreign language dictionary
15. Nutcracker
16. Bag o' sunflower seeds
17. Ruler, protractor, abacus
18. Palm-sized idol of dead god
19. Ball-on-a-string
20. Oracle bones (don't work)
21. Straw hat
22. Tricorn hat
23. Tall hat
24. Broad hat
25. Colourful felt hat
26. Hat w/ bells
27. Medieval beanie equivalent
28. Hand-knitted hat
29. Non-shit fedora
30. Shit fedora
31. Pocket-watchy sundial/star map
32. Broken compass
33. String of shrunken monkey heads
34. Clockwork beetle
35. Playing cards
36. Erotic playing cards
37. Poorly-scribed holy book
38. Beaten-to-shit teddy bear
39. Knitted scarf
40. Small flute
41. Pet rock
42. Pet dried toad
43. Kaleidoscope
44. Locket w/ stranger's hair
45. Dominoes
46. Ghost in a jar
47. Ghost of crab in a jar
48. Quillpen and ink
49. Hammer and chisel
50. Leather notebook etched with picture of unicorn
51. Magic 8-ball
52. Walking stick
53. Really lovely vest
54. Music box
55. Hand mirror
56. Conch shell
57. Slightly creepy cloth doll
58. Stuffed canary
59. Very large, very old coin
60. Dried mouse heads
61. Fisherman's cap
62. Hat w/ buckles
63. Reversible hat; one side filthy
64. Toortsog w/ tassels
65. Skull cap made of actual skull
66. Bandanna with flowery motif
67. Greasy newspaper folded into captain's hat
68. Hat from fertility festival. Wildly inappropriate
69. Huge powdered wig
70. Almost-entirely-eaten helmet
71. Slightly overlarge copper ring
72. Tin of caviar from by-gone era
73. Satchel of potpourri
74. Tiny violin
75. Holy symbol shaped like torture device
76. Crab claw
77. Oyster shells
78. Seed pearls
79. Fingernail-sized chunk of fool's gold
80. Geode
81. Miniature bagpipes
82. Very well preserved jerky sausage
83. Winding key for something clockwork
84. Scrimshaw
85. Whittling knife
86. Quill pen and ink
87. Vellum
88. Snowglobe
89. Thumbscrews
90. Extra shoelaces
91. Half a lockpick
92. Box of watercolours
93. Pouch of tobacco
94. Flask with ever-present thimbleful of potent liquor
95. Hourglass
96. Caged fairy
97. Political manifesto
98. Pamphlet about immigrants
99. Sealed letter
100. Potato stamp

America Generator

(font size is being fucky in this post. just ignore it I guess)

I have been thinking a lot recently about making a game where you play as colonists in 17th-18th century America, or a fantasy version thereof. This would somehow dovetail with the Comanche thing I wrote about here. Don't know how yet.

What I would ideally like to do is have a sort of dynamic hexcrawl system where the PCs move around the map founding new colonies, watching them grow organically, doing quests to help them along, defending them from the perils of the wilderness and the darkness of the human spirit. The flipside of this would be playing as the natives of the country, hereafter called "Indians", sabotaging the machinery of empire and trying to drive the invaders back into the sea. It would all be a bit like a tabletop version of Civ.

So here is a way of populating a colonial landscape with towns that develop a history over time, characters that interact with one another and a system of quests that naturally spawn and replenish themselves. The big thing it's missing is a way of handling Indians, who need to be exactly as developed in their characterization as the colonists. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that. There's more variety in social organization among the Indians than the colonists - the system below can handle Brazilians or French Canadians with roughly equal fidelity, but I don't have one that does both the Cree and the Maya.

(I'm calling them Indians because literally every source from the era calls them that, using Native Americans would detract way too much from the flavour of the period. What I liked about The Comanche Empire is that it treated Native Americans as basically the same as Europeans, organized differently and in possession of different skills but in many ways doing the same basic shit that Europeans did. I would like this game to capture some of that.)

american colonial history. not pictured: the murdery parts

New Meat Dungeon: Happy Funtimes Bloodpit

BLOODPITBLOODPITBLOODBLOODBLOOD

Mmmmmm CAD programs

Okay so I made this thing in SolidWorks. I'm calling it the Blood Pit, because I read a bunch of choose-your-own-adventure books lately and it ruined vastly improved my ability to name things.

The pit is broken into four wedges, which each contain a maze/gauntlet with the same layout. The wedges all funnel down to the centre of the pit, where they join up into a small gladiatorial arena. Looks like this:

The idea, from a metagame perspective, was to come up with a good way to do competitive rpgery. Start each player with a character or two in their own private wedge, then they have to fight through a micro-dungeon in order to get to the middle and kill each other. Obvious warning: this is not a good game type for the wrong kind of nerd. Friendships may should be broken.

ring = crosshairs
riddle = questionmark
labyrinth = spiral
trial = skull and crossbones

The zones in these wedges are, in the order encountered, Ring, Riddle, Labyrinth and Trial. Each wedge has a theme, and each zone has a mechanically consistent but thematically different encounter. Every dead end is a Dead End. Save vs death, you rat.

Every round of combat, guess at a riddle and stumble through the labyrinth should be counted. Give it a wanky name like 'Heartbeats' or something if you're really desperate. Use these to keep track of where people are so that they enter the central ring at the right time.

For my mechanically consistent encounters, I have picked these things what are below:

• RING - Simple, pretty easy encounter to get everyone warmed up. Takes place in a circular chamber that should be decorated appropriately to your theme.
• 2 HD, armour as leather, 1d6 attack.
• RIDDLE - Mid-sized room with some kind of barrier between rimwards entrances and hubwards exit: river of acid, wall of roots, bloated fleshbeast, etc. Answering riddle correctly removes barrier. Every time players guess wrong they take 1d3. Trying to cut through the barrier also earns you 1d3. Either of those last two things cost you time.
• Answer for all riddles is the same thing. For me it's always death.
• LABYRINTH - Contents of labyrinth make travel between any intersection take 1 time period thingy. Shape of labyrinth makes any sensible path take 5 units, but anyone not paying attention should lose some valuable time here.
• TRIAL - One serious fight with an interesting monster. Central part stuck in middle of room with about 6 limbs/extra fighty bits flying through the air around it. Monster should surprise PCs probably. Do some suspenseful trudging though the bigger arena here before you spring it.
• Body of critter/main critter is 2 HD, armour as chain, 1d6 attack
• Limbs of critter/extra critters are 1 HD, armour as paper, 1d3-2 attack. 

Here are some example wedges:

THEME	RING	RIDDLE	LABYRINTH	TRIAL
Classical	Gladiator Automaton	Sphinx – wall of sand: “What is the surest path to freedom?”	Choking Mist	Microhydra
Fae (Alice in Wonderland duh)	Warty Toad w/ Axe	Big Blue Caterpillar – wall of mushrooms: “What is life’s greatest reward?”	Clinging Roots	Faeries + Faerie Queen (like giant beeeees)
Grimdark	Death Knight	Wall of Maws: “What medicine will ease my pain?”	Grasping Arms	Chain Demon
Racism	Haunted Samurai Armour	Sage-Looking Fucker in Peace Garden – wall of him/her doing kungfu: “What marks the start and end of empire?”	Spinning Mu Ren Zhuang	River Kami w/ Angry Lantern Spirits
Comedy	Hugely Fat Clown w/ Ladder	Ringmaster – wall of clown antics: “Who gets the last laugh?”	Bouncy Castle	Ghost Pies + Ghost Baker

The central arena can be anything you fucking want it to be

• a caltrop-carpeted pit feat. on rickety podium ballista
• a boiling lake, water slowly rising, one 10 foot pole on the island in the middle
• extra dimensional portal that grants control of devilwasps to anyone standing in it
• giant set of scales - every person on them releases more mustard gas on the ground below, increases die size of damage dealt in getting to the centre

Just make it something that rewards people getting through the maze quicker!

Whole map from top wow

And if you know anyone with a 3D printer then I can totally give you the file and you can go and print this thing and stick it in the middle of the table that's like half the whole point I mean c'mooon.

Barons of the Kingdom of Calvino

1. Split in half by cannonball in wars w/ the infidels. Each half leads separate existence. Bad half runs the barony, executes peasants for trifling crimes. Good half hops about doing good deeds and living in the forest. Both are in love with the same person.
2. Lives in the trees. Swore an oath when twelve years old never again to set foot on the ground. Has kept it. Goes pretty much where they please - barony heavily forested.
3. Does not exist. An empty suit of armour that maintains itself through sheer willpower. Stickler for rules. Obsessed with counting and organization. If you can prove its title to the barony is in error it will fall apart and disappear.
4. Obsessed with birds. House is an aviary. Due to an absence of crows in the kingdom, has trained storks, flamingos, parakeets to prey on flesh in their wake.
5. Is a book detailing the life of a fictitious baron whose decisions always correspond to those which must be made at the exact moment of reading. Turning ahead to predict the future is strictly forbidden by the order of the baroness.
6. Is a guy's reflection in a mirror. The guy is not the baron; only the reflection is the baron. Mute, because sound cannot travel into or out of the mirror, so must communicate in hand gestures. Writing is backwards, deeply incomprehensible.
7. Was swallowed by a tiger when very young and cannot get out. Lives quite comfortably inside the tiger, although quarters a tad cramped. Orders can only be heard by pressing one's ear right up against the tiger's belly. Professional tiger tamers constantly on standby, as tiger rampages cause total political paralysis.
8. Is, by order of the queen, the poorest person in the barony at any one time. Life in barony a feverish race to the bottom. Winners accumulate huge amount of property in single executive order before having it all confiscated by the next guy. That or starve to death.
9. Wanted for murder in a dozen counties, arranged to be put on trial by himself. Legal proceedings against him cannot legally proceed until the resolution of the current case, which has been going on for fifteen years now. Jurors, barristers, witnesses all barred from leaving courthouse.
10. Baronship communicable by touch. Current baron lives in a barrel. If they were to move about in public the barony would disintegrate into a massive and bloodthirsty game of tag.
11. Thinks clouds are people and people are clouds.
12. Power-sharing arrangement in low-lying country means first baron has authority over everything above sealevel, second baron has authority over everything below. Sea level in most places about waist height. You can kick someone to death and avoid extradition by walking about on stilts.
13. Believes self to be hideously ugly. Has made illegal mirrors, portraiture, the act of description. Individuals caught using words to represent visual images are disfigured with hot pitch.
14. You're the new baron! Village archivists just dug up a bunch of old papers that prove your claim conclusively. You have also inherited an ancient feud with the family of the count next door, who have a tradition that you can't come of age until you have wreaked vengeance on an enemy of the bloodline and (it turns out) are resorting to forgery in order to generate more enemies.
15. Has memorized every square inch of the barony, every stray thought in the heads of its inhabitants. Hasn't left study in years - passes laws based on deterministic model of events that they maintain in their imagination. This worked infallibly up until two weeks ago, when the baron forgot to account for one tiny detail and the whole thing spiralled out of control. Now people are getting executed for crimes they would have committed in an alternative universe where a single sparrow never fell.
16. Terrified of a monster that changes each time they describe it.
17. Citizens tell you sorrowfully that the baron has gone mad and believes herself to be a crocodile. They offer a hefty reward for a cure. In fact, the baron is just a crocodile they have put a hat on.
18. Barony is a vast empty desert. Each grain of sand is subject to the baron, making them ruler of the greatest empire in the history of the world.
19. Fears assassination and usurpation by their future self. Plots to assassinate and usurp their past self.
20. Village of a thousand barons and one subject, who has a difficult life as they are the only one expected to grow any food.

First three are from the endlessly gameable Italo Calvino, rest are more or less (in some cases less) my own invention. Use with bandit table to engage in maximum literature.

Hydras: The "I can't keep doing this to myself" Edition

Swear to god y'all better let this die because we will keep making posts if you do and it will kill me and I will haunt the ever-loving shit out of you.

HYDRA OF THE LABOURS
Heads regrow in about a year, if the body isn't slain. Cutting off the first ten heads will cause the last two to sprout. Kill all the heads and you get to go hunt for the golden fleece, probably. Or maybe the hydra just has golden fleece.

1. Nemean Lion. Face is halfway between Helen of Troy and a wildcat, and not in a sexy way. Golden skin is impervious to arrows. Bites for 1d6.
2. Lernean Hydra. Head cloaked in chitinous shell. Can spit a spider crab (1 HD, AC as plate, two claws at 1d4 each, grapples your face on a successful hit w/ both) at you 1/day. Bites for 1d6 + poison.
3. Ceryneian Hind. +20 Dex bonus to AC. Yeah you can't hit this thing unless you trap it first, somehow. Ram 1d4.
4. Erymanthian Boar. Mouth is framed by jutting tusks. Mottled skin is exposed beneath ragged fur. Cold damage puts it to sleep for 1d4+1 rounds. Gores for 1d8
5. Augean Stables. Looks exactly like a horse butt. Fires excrement at you for 1d6 damage to your sense of honour. No actual damage, though. Can cast Grease 1/day. We both know that ain't really grease.
6. Stymphalian birds. Has two bronze beaks, one on either side of face. Plumes of metal feathers sprout from neck like mane. Can fire feathers like arrows as attack action. Is terrified of rattles and will flee from them. Peck 1d4.
7. Cretan Bull. I mean look it's just a bull head. Always loses initiative. Gore for 1d8.
8. Mares of Diomedes. Rearing, mad-eyed horse head. All teeth are canines. Can breathe fire for 2d6 damage in a cone, 1/day. Bite 1d6.
9. Belt of Hippolyta. Strong-featured head of a woman with a golden girdle around her neck. Immune to damage. Remove the girdle, head falls off. Probably definitely a metaphor for something. Hair whip 1d4.
10. Cattle of Geryon. Cow head dripping thick, meaty cud. Has a crush on the bull head. The upper body of a two-headed dog sprouts from its neck like a tumour. Can vomit forth a swarm of gadflies 1/day. Gore 1d4.
11. Apples of the Hesperides. Branching, twisting limbs like a tree made of arms. Fat, golden organs hang from the branches. Snake heads tip each limb, a hundred in total, tongues lolling catatonically. Slam 1d6 + poison against everyone in a 10' radius circle.
12. Cerberus. Three headed dog. Three attacks for 1d4 each, all against the same target.

So easy to Google image search it's actually disgusting

PACK HYDRA
Stats as wolves. Roam around in packs of 1d6+1. When you cut the head off one, each other hydra gets another head. First one just dies though which is super sad </3

MEMETIC HYDRA
Is rumours about the pcs. Must kill with fire. Somehow.

~topical humour~

TRICK HYDRA
Any damage not done in an effort to remove a head spawns a head with HD equal to the damage done. Cutting off heads does/does not produce more heads as normal, depending on how much you hate your players.

FUCK YOU HYDRA

When you cut off its head, you grow a hydra head. Your new head hates you so, so much, and you can actually hear it thinking mean things about your weight.

OUROBOROS HYDRA

Haha but no seriously I don't think this is gameable I'm just out of ideas.