Wednesday 16 December 2015

Pirate Generator

In the tradition of such Dunkey classics as Witch Generator and Vampire Generator, we present to you: Pirate Generator. Generate all the things. In the future there is nothing that will not be generated.

click the fight, get a pirate, fight the pirate

  1. Horned helmet
  2. Gold-trimmed tricorne
  3. Black bicorne w/ skull
  4. Long-nosed carnival mask
  5. Round tortoiseshell cap
  6. Flat bamboo cone
  7. Plumed shako
  8. Jewelled turban
  9. Sombrero
  10. Demon-masked kabuto
  11. Powdered wig
  12. Hatless, embarrassed about it

  1. Wooden leg
  2. Hook hand
  3. Eyepatch
  4. Silver nose
  5. Earless
  6. Badly burnt
  7. Hole straight through chest
  8. Sword scar across face
  9. Not enough fingers
  10. Toothless, whalebone dentures
  11. Syphilitic, jawbone rotting off
  12. Flawless physically, disfigured psychologically

Distinguishing Feature
  1. Gigantic red beard
  2. Elaborate curled moustachios
  3. Bald
  4. Tattooed across 90% of skin
  5. Voice tremendously high-pitched
  6. Lisp
  7. Barrel-chested and brutally strong
  8. Emaciated
  9. Obese
  10. Dark red eyes
  11. Wispy little goatee
  12. Fiendishly handsome

  1. Scimitar engraved w/ holy verses
  2. Harpoon
  3. Pearl-handled revolvers
  4. Cavalry sabre
  5. Bullwhip
  6. Satchel of grenadoes
  7. Serpent-shaped dagger
  8. Hook-tipped cane knife
  9. Morningstar
  10. Blowpipe and poisoned darts
  11. Paired hatchets
  12. Kills w/ bare hands exclusively

First Mate
  1. Midget version of themselves
  2. Monkey, steals shit
  3. Talking parrot, shockingly obscene
  4. Grizzled veteran of countless wars
  5. Adopted urchin, twelve years old and ruthless
  6. Plump, naive merchant seeking life of adventure
  7. Absolutely jaded quartermaster, thinks only money is real
  8. Cannibal huntsman from secluded island
  9. Elderly sawbones, medical techniques unconventional but effective
  10. Haunted navigator who dreams of distant suns
  11. Cheerful naturalist who just wants to collect specimens
  12. Second son of noble family, run away to sea and not regretting it

  1. Mad-eyed rogues who live in filth, no purpose but slaughter
  2. Clean-uniformed, disciplined as any army
  3. Deformed lunatics, not a man jack of them bodily whole
  4. Naked headhunters, seeking prestige and slaves for the afterlife
  5. Gold-hungry and ambitious, plotting to make themselves kings
  6. Surprisingly intellectual
  7. Religious fanatics
  8. Creepy perverts and probably serial killers
  9. Escaped slaves, desperate for revenge
  10. Sullen and depressed, giving to ranting about the cruelty of the sea
  11. Party animals, as happy to hang out with you as kill you
  12. Easily-befuddled lunkheads and goons

  1. Sleek black-sailed blockade runner, swift and near-invisible at night
  2. Repurposed treasure galleon w/ cavernous hold
  3. Four-masted barquentine, quick in straight lines but difficult to maneuver
  4. Fat, lumbering man-o’-war, weighed down by too many guns
  5. Shallow-hulled galley designed to hide in rivers and wetlands
  6. Hijacked prison hulk, forgotten thieves and murderers still chained in bowels
  7. Trireme w/ bronze ram, eyes painted on prow
  8. Shield-sided longship, can be carried overland in emergencies
  9. Dhow with triangular sails, agile and redolent w/ spices
  10. Dragon-painted junk, can sail into wind and attack out of storms
  11. Two-hulled proa, stable and insanely fast
  12. Submarine


  1. Crocodile
  2. White whale
  3. Giant squid
  4. Stern, fatherly governor of nearby island colony
  5. Iron-jawed and morally impeccable officer of imperial navy
  6. Former first mate who turned out mutinous
  7. Priests who want their sacred idol back
  8. Ghost of lover they betrayed
  9. Child they abandoned
  10. Humble fisherman whose livelihood they ruined
  11. Another pirate, in competition w/ them for same treasure
  12. The Devil, who they welshed on a bet with

Questing For
  1. Fountain of Youth
  2. A way to break the curse that plagues them
  3. Revenge on the establishment
  4. Hidden hoard of other, greater pirate
  5. Sunken flotilla bearing annual tribute to long-dead empress
  6. Lost city of gold
  7. The love of a good woman and/or man
  8. A place free from the tyranny of governments
  9. An honourable death in battle, it has to be really really good though
  10. More rum
  11. The person who killed their parents
  12. A new, better first mate

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