Showing posts with label film just like... inspires me?!. Show all posts
Showing posts with label film just like... inspires me?!. Show all posts

Friday, 15 April 2016

Gameable Shit From "Quest for Camelot"

Rewatched a childhood classic the other day. First of all, it's completely astounding that this movie was released four years after The Lion King and yet is such complete, unmitigated garbage*. Secondly, this movie fucking rocks, if you have some children you should foist it on them. If you are a child you should foist it on you.

Here is some gameable shit from the film, because I am kind and generous and benevolent and etc.


d6 Plant Traps from Living Forest
  1. Whirlstumps. Man-sized, grow packed together. Pressure on base and touch at shoulder/waist height cause it to snap itself into the air violently, carrying you along/smacking your skull. 
  2. Snatcherbranches. Trees that grow all branches with enormous tension along bottom. Older branches cave to less and less disruption. Trees at centre of grove suddenly start ramming down trying to trap you, but younger trees at edges will start to slam if you run past them, snapping vines.
  3. Sprinting Twigs. Actually a parasite growing over the surface of all the leaf litter. Causes burnt twigs to start crawling in random direction. Will seem cute until you realise how much you need a fire.
  4. Whipbuds. Thick petals of pig-sized bud hide dexterous stamen, open at a touch. Stamen whips towards your breath when exposed. Sap paralyses.
  5. Hillmaker. Meters-deep moss reacts when you walk on it, rolling out of the way so you can't apply lateral force. Shallows make running hard. Hit a deep section and all of a sudden you can't run, walk or jump.
  6. Mossmaws. What looks like moss/algae covered stone is actually thick-skinned pitcher plant, jerks open to swallow people whole. Tendency to grow into bottom of shallow streams for maximum surprise value.
d6 Monsters That Deform Their Environments
  1. Dragon. Acidic urine carves out gullies and canyons, leaches into soil, kills plant life. Guano worth a small fortune. 
  2. Stone giant. Farts out suffocating, heavier-than-air gas that pools in caves and low places, killing small animals and anyone who crawls.
  3. Roc. Tornado-speed wind of wingbeats erodes away topsoil to create scrubby plains and scoured-clean mesas.
  4. Gorgon. Petrified forests. Herds of basalt buffalo grazing on granite grass. Only living things are lichen and reptiles.
  5. Golem. Trenches dug, towers erected, mills built in places where water has long since dried up, all in accordance with centuries-old instructions.
  6. Giant flies. Harvest huge mounds of rotting flesh, vegetation. Maintain nitrogen-rich atmosphere for larvae.

AND Merlin has this one weird cameo appearance and he is the only character that looks like the mouth animation was done for a different language, which is exactly what I want from Merlin.

AND the comic relief is a stunted set of conjoined-twin dragons with opposing tastes in art which is such a good idea for an NPC you might not actually do it justice.

AND the villain has a plan to steal the Excalibur and fuse themselves with it. Uses fusion potion to first make army of mercenary/weapon hybrids. Works with sentient, servile griffin, whom is bullied mercilessly. Is voiced by Gary Oldman for some fucking reason.


* Turns out this is not a Disney film, which I thought it was (thx Jeremy Duncan) though I guess that explains why the songs feel like a lazy attempt at psychological torture.

Friday, 11 March 2016

The Journey that is Watching Krull

So we watched the movie Krull tonight. You need to start watching it right now it is so tops.
  • Teleporting castle that is a space ship and also a big fractal statue of the beast that lives in it and also is just a tree stump
  • You have to find a seer to tell you where the castle is and get there in a day or it moves
  • Army of alien suits of armour that look like Alien extras controlled by meat slugs in the head compartment
  • Magic golden shuriken found innocuous patch of.... I think that was lava? Not allowed to use it until the boss
  • Wizard whose only power is turning into a puppy is introduced by shooting himself like a firework at the party and into a pond
  • Cyclopses that can see the moment of their death and are really big miserable fucks
  • Sawdust swamp that is like five foot of water with two feet of sawdust floating on it
  • The party has to take a blind wizard on a journey but they get replaced by a doppelganger on like day one
  • Spider made of glass that is turned off when the sand from a special hourglass is falling
  • Woman covered in veils that lives in a cocoon room in the web of said spider
  • You want what she knows but if you manage to escape the spider throws a tantrum and kills her
  • A HERD OF BEAUTIFUL WILD STALLIONS
  • My apologies they appear to be 'firebrands' and they can run really fast but it sets fire to the ground and presumably just fucks the environment/any nearby farms
  • Touch the magic wall you get sucked into a spikey death room
  • The boss is a lizard with Swamp Thing's mouth that shoots Ganondorf energy balls
  • Marriage is fire powers
  • When the castle explodes all the chunks fall upwards and it looks great

This movie had no idea that women existed, so be ready for that
"I'm just an old man looking for my potatoes"
Only shot in the film you could put in something made tomorrow and have look good