Thursday, 30 July 2015

Original Bandits Do Not Steal

"Write a bandit personality table" I says to Arnold. "Write your own durn bandit personality table" he says to me. "I ain't got no durn time to be writin' a bandit personality table for any durn gadabout who wants one."

So I did. All by myself with no help from anyone. Don't research these.

BANDIT TABLE
  1. Obese, incompetent, but not as incompetent as they seem. Boastful and cowardly. Much mocked and universally beloved. Gets out of crises by feigning death.
  2. Scion of noble and wealthy family frittering it away among the lower classes. Thinks they're better than everyone they meet and does not deign to conceal it. Will never understand how it feels to live their life with no meaning or control and with nowhere left to go.
  3. Thin, morose, talks about their problems. Keeps on talking about their problems. Won't stop talking about their problems. Won't ever do anything to solve their problems. Heir to some throne somewhere.
  4. Instantly your best friend. Super trustworthy. Always tells you exactly what they think, even if they know it's not what you want to hear, because they respect you just that much. Plotting to hurt you in some hideously cruel way for literally no reason.
  5. Old, rambling, white-haired, poor judge of character. Spends most of their time roaming the moors, yelling at the sky. Accompanied by jester. Kids are all dead, evil or both.
  6. Does not understand fun. Believes that wearing stupid clothes and pretending to smile will make people like them, is confused when this does not work.
  7. Gruff, military, possessed with ambition. Evil spouse constantly spurring them to ever-darker deeds. Foretold to die only under extremely specific conditions, thinks this makes them immortal, is underestimating amount of wiggle room in prophecy.
  8. Sneaks up on people while they sleep and applies chemicals to their eyelids. If caught, attempts to persuade people that they are just a dream and should not be criticized.
  9. Madly in love with a thirteen-year-old girl. Hangs around beneath her window all night, threatening to drink poison if she doesn't come away with them. Loathed by her family. Would lose interest the second she was no longer inaccessible.
  10. No hands. No tongue. Excellent cook.
  11. Sullen, brutish, resentful, looks a bit like a fish. Hates a wizard and constantly scheming to see him dead, but not very good at scheming so it never gets very far. Knows the territory like the back of their (web-fingered) hand.
  12. Hates humanity, especially that portion of humanity to whom they owe money. Lives in a cave. Pays whores to spread disease and rebels to attack the city.
  13. General exiled by spiteful aristocrats who roused the populace against them, working with old enemies to rob the city they once were sworn to defend. Will do anything their mother says.
  14. Paranoid and whimsical. Disdains children, distrusts oracles, treats friends as enemies but will change mind at drop of a hat. Cannot tell the difference between humans and statues.
  15. Actually twins, each of whom believe the other is dead. Keep crossing each other's path without realizing it.
  16. Rules lawyer. Obsessed with money. Makes bargains with very specific wording and will go to any lengths to ensure that you are held to them. Member of minority religious group against whom all of mainstream society is set, must struggle to assert even basic humanity in face of overwhelming prejudice. May or may not do all the evil things they are constantly accused of.
  17. Disguised duke running a test on promising young administrator by leaving the city in their hands and seeing what kind of weird new laws they pass. Plans to emerge at last minute to halt execution for trifling crime and seem a hero to all, thus crushing a potential rival while bolstering opinion polls.
  18. Has sworn off love in order to dedicate life to scholarship. Will fall in love with first remotely cute individual they see. All underlings in same predicament.
  19. Physically deformed. Extremely good at playing the victim. Has legion of murderers at beck and call, first instinct in any situation is to dispatch one. Haunted by ghosts of people they've had killed. Places great value on horses.
  20. Likes to cross-dress. Romps around the forest orchestrating mass weddings.
ADDITIONAL INSULT TABLE
  1. Thou long-staff sixpenny striker
  2. Thou mad moustachio purple-hued malt-worm
  3. Thou whoreson caterpillar
  4. Thou bacon-fed knave
  5. Thou obscene greasy tallow-keech
  6. Thou sanguine coward
  7. Thou horse-back-breaker
  8. Thou huge hill of flesh
  9. Thou dried neat's-tongue
  10. Thou trunk of humours
  11. Thou bolting-hutch of beastliness
  12. Thou swollen parcel of dropsies
  13. Thou bombard of sack
  14. Thou roasted Manningtree ox with the pudding in thy belly
  15. Thou villainous abominable misleader of youth
  16. Thou old white-bearded Satan
  17. Thou son of utter darkness
  18. Thou sneak-cup
  19. Thou soused gurnet
  20. Thou veriest varlet that ever chewed with a tooth

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