Saturday, 25 March 2017

Thursday, 23 March 2017

Kaiju Generator

Base animal
  1. Ape
  2. Tortoise
  3. Crab
  4. Mantis
  5. Iguana
  6. Mole
  7. Anglerfish
  8. Spider
  9. Porcupine
  10. Nautilus
  11. Centipede
  12. Moth
  13. Bat
  14. Armadillo
  15. Toad
  16. Chameleon
  17. Vulture
  18. Scorpion
  19. Wasp
  20. Penguin
  1. Extra head
  2. Radioactive
  3. Fire breath
  4. Frost breath
  5. Acid blood
  6. EMP blast
  7. Skin parasites
  8. Shoots spikes
  9. Shoots webs
  10. Camouflage
  11. Burrowing
  12. Laser eyes
  13. Summons storms
  14. Knows judo
  15. Sonic blast
  16. Plasma claws
  17. Atomic self-destruct
  18. Electrified
  19. Vents sound-eating fog
  20. Shed-skin duplicates
  1. Meeting up with other kaiju to fight
  2. Meeting up with other kaiju to breed
  3. Thinks city perfect place to lay eggs
  4. Already has babies, teaching them to hunt
  5. Just awoke from hibernation, cranky
  6. Seeks vengeance on humans who've disturbed its home
  7. Must kidnap and protect one particular human
  8. Must find place to weave cocoon and metamorphose into next life-cycle phase
  9. Restoring balance to nature by destroying artifacts of civilization
  10. Driven mad by radio transmissions
  11. Being controlled by pilot creatures that ride it
  12. Aggravated on purpose by hostile power
  13. Vanguard of alien invasion
  14. Hungry
  15. Hungry for one specific thing, i.e. plutonium
  16. Thinks city is living thing, trying to communicate with it
  17. Hiding in city from some greater threat
  18. Wants to be worshipped as a god
  19. Claiming city as its territory, marking boundaries with body fluid
  20. Only wants a friend
Target city
  1. Tokyo
  2. Shanghai
  3. Seoul
  4. Kuala Lumpur
  5. Honolulu
  6. Sydney
  7. San Francisco
  8. Las Vegas
  9. New York
  10. Washington, DC
  11. Miami
  12. Rio de Janeiro
  13. Buenos Aires
  14. London
  15. Moscow
  16. Venice
  17. Cairo
  18. Dubai
  19. Mumbai
  20. Cape Town
Greg Broadmore

Bonus Kaiju
  • Kaiser Kong - white ape with black Hitler moustache and spiked Prussian helmet. Grown in lab by German imperialists
  • Baroqueus - a Gothic cathedral brought to life by Satanic sorcerers and given humanoid form. The skies around it flock with gargoyles
  • Zozobra - a wicker giant that kidnaps children and puts them inside him. Could easily be defeated with fire, but that would kill the children
  • Kushiel - an angel of God, sent to purge the city of its sins. Four arms, lidless eyes, flaming sword, thirty stories tall
  • Ghostzilla - Godzilla but dead and a ghost. Intangible to buildings but not other kaiju
  • Kink Kong - ape in a gimp suit

Sunday, 19 February 2017


  • Geckomen
Can't blink. Must constantly lick their own eyes. Small but surprisingly loud. Live in arboreal puzzle villages where the walls are floors and the floors are traps. If you attack one the jungle will ring with war-chirps as every geckoman in twenty miles is alerted to the threat you pose. Attack from the trees with small, powerful bows and poison-tipped arrows. Steal children and try to raise them as their own, but this never works because they can't figure out how to teach the children to walk on walls. Love pineapple and will gather around to lick at it with their little tongues.

Some of them can glide on skinflap wings. These are called "ptchyozoons" and held in high regard by the others. Others look exactly like leaves and attack from ambush.

  • Frillmen
Live lonely lives in deserts. Only want to scare people and cannot figure out why no-one is scared of them. Run up to travelers and bare their frills and go "naaaaaaarrrrrrrr". Get really annoyed when, instead of running in fear, people think they're hilarious and adorable. Then go home and write sad poetry about it. Actually quite talented poets. Much in demand as exotic pets. Aristocratic owners like to pierce the frills and put gold rings through them.

  • Molochmen
Sit alone in barren places feeding off the dew that condenses on their skin at dawn and dusk. Rarely move. Considered by some to be wise ascetics and sought out for the sagacity of their judgments, which must be paid for with a sacrifice of at least one hundred pounds of ants. Thought by others to be devils in ascetic guise whose alleged words of wisdom are in fact designed to insidiously corrupt the moral fibre of their disciples. Monarchs have been known to consult them - always in secret, to avoid being accused of blasphemy by those whom their decisions disadvantage.

Can shoot blood from their eyes. Anyone who sees someone covered in molochman blood will immediately know that person is guilty of some monstrous, though unspecified, sin, and must be punished in an appropriately brutal fashion.

  • Monitormen
Eat mostly carrion. Always have bits of rotting flesh caught between their teeth. Red saliva swarms with septic bacteria. Bite people, or stab them with saliva-dipped spears, then scuttle away and follow them around for several days waiting for them to die of infection. Hate doctors and have been known to perform daring raids into urban areas just to kill them. Love to raid graveyards, dig up fresh-buried corpses, bite them into swallowable chunks and leave the remains scattered untidily around the church steps. Only need to eat once a month and spend a lot of time lying on warm rocks, basking and digesting. Have a strict hierarchy based on size. The young live in trees and roll in shit to dissuade the old from eating them.

  • Iguanamen
Amphibious. A dull, sooty black, the same colour as the volcanic beach boulders they live on. Stubby faces are always encrusted with salt, which they blow from their nostrils like whales. Eat algae. Live on isolated islands and are desperately curious about the outside world, but are thought by sailors to bring bad luck to any ship that allows one on board. Will try to stow away in holds, though they're thrown overboard if caught. Proverbially ugly. Love games - have a deceptively simple-seeming form of checkers that they play with pebbles on boards drawn in the sand. Also love really bad jokes/ Worship the Volcano Woman, who they believe cursed them into their current hideous forms and will, if they are sufficiently good, one day make them beautiful again. Sacrifice beautiful things to the Volcano Woman when they think nobody's watching.

  • Tuataramen
Third eye on top of the head can see the future. Deep time agents from a long-forgotten age of reptiles, Take jobs as henchmen for low-tier warlocks and secretly manipulate their actions as part of an impossibly complex, millennia-long plan to resurrect the Lizard Queen and bring about the dawn of a new Scaled Epoch in which humans will once more flee and cower before their cold-blooded masters. The only ones who know about this are the rats, and the Rat King works in opposition to them wherever possible. They kill rodents on sight.

Monday, 6 February 2017

More Lovecraft Villains

The people who run the British Museum are evil. Where other cults sacrifice children, they gain power through the imprisonment and ritual degradation of entire cultures. Their agents are always hunting for more artefacts to put on display, deliberately mislabeled and stripped of context in a way that implies the people who made it were talentless savages, or just to leave in a drawer somewhere gathering dust. Wherever possible, they promote the treatment of foreigners with mockery and contempt and encourage all good Englishmen to approach the outside world with an attitude of smug and self-satisfied incuriosity. To steal something from them is always an act of liberation, and an effective way to strike back against the toad-faced, incestuous gentry who are their patrons.

Anyway, let's talk about Lovecraft.

1. Cauchemas, le Roi du Crime. The terror of the Parisian underworld is rarely seen in person, and never spoken of above a whisper. His gang of hyperviolent Apaches stalks the streets of Montmartre and Pigalle, breaking tourists' heads against the cobblestones for no more reward than the handful of centimes in their pockets. It is said that he operates several hell-themed nightclubs, that half the police have sworn fealty to him and that every member of his operation is freakishly strong, even the old woman who reigns over his clan of urchin pickpockets.

But he is most famed, and most feared, for his impossible crimes. A baroness who mocked him at a party was swallowed alive by a gigantic python while her husband, on the other side of the bathroom door, heard not a sound. An inspector of the Sûreté was found, suffocated to death, in his own office, which had been completely filled with sand. A coal-shoveller aboard a steamship heard a terrible banging sound coming from inside his furnace, and opened it up to discover a police informant who had disappeared from his jail cell several hours earlier. Nothing Cauchemas does is technically against the laws of nature, but all defies simple and rational explanation. As long as Paris is too scared to move against him, he holds the city in his grasp.

2. Diego Mandragora, poet. Madrid's most beloved man of letters has published four volumes of a verse epic, modelled on the Icelandic sagas, which tells in painstaking detail the history of an alternate Earth. It is a world of heresiarchs, stone mirrors, metal pyramids, invisible tigers and towers of blood, whose inhabitants speak a nounless language and believe that all things in nature are essentially indivisible. Those who investigate the young artists and philosophers who make up his inner circle, or probe too deeply into their curious belief that when the poem is complete the world we know will be swept away and remade as Mandragora's, are sometimes found mauled to death, as if by a wild beast who they were for some reason helpless to defend themselves against.

3. The Batrachi family. One of Venice's longest-established aristocratic bloodlines, their ancestors lived in the lagoon long before there was a city there. One son is a Fascist colonel. Another is a cardinal in Rome. The older members wear black mantillas or carnival masks, claiming leprosy or disfiguring wounds received in the great war. They all come home to visit Nonna Nero, who dwells beneath the crumbling ancestral manor in a moon-pool that opens onto the filthy canals, her fat neck ringed with a ruff of lacelike whiskers and her great body swollen with thousands of unfertilised eggs.

4. Emil Kaltenberg, atomic physicist. Thought a kook by the scientific mainstream, Kaltenberg and the alternate system of physics he propounds as the Doctrine of Inevitable Winter have achieved a cult following among the leadership of the newly ascendant Nazi party. They provide him with the funding he needs to build his cloud chambers, where subjects are imprisoned in a glass cage full of freezing mist and exposed to intense radiation in the hopes of stimulating visions of the future and confirming Kaltenberg's theory that Ice is the primal substance of all reality. His aim, it seems, is to communicate with the dark quasi-human sorcerers that reign over the Hyperborean wasteland which Earth will become once the Sun goes out, and wield their sinister powers in aid of the Third Reich. Rumor, as yet unfounded, suggests that he has a secret basement beneath a Berlin cabaret where he feeds people to a degenerate crab-thing from the future.

5. Max Hochstapler, alienist. The troubled and traumatised journey from across the globe to visit the Vienna office of Hochstapler, specialist in the analysis of dreams. He will listen to your dreams, note them down in his leatherbound journal and tell you exactly what they mean. Then, once you're gone, he will add your information to the huge chart he is drawing up of the Dreamlands, the mystical realm that all of us enter when we pass beyond the veil of sleep. Hochstapler knows more of that world than anyone before in human history. By instructing his patients to perform certain actions in their dreams, he can subtly influence the politics of that complex and ancient world, tilting the balance between cats and nightgaunts or moonbeasts and Men of Leng. He is yet to discover how this benefits him, be he is sure he can find a way. It is of little interest to him if some of his unwitting agents never wake up.

6. Antheia Manolakis, maenad. The newly-established Hellenic Republic demands a rebirth of true Hellenic religion, unsullied by the influence of Abrahamic upstarts. Antheia is using her late husband's money to resurrect the ancient mystery cults, leading her all-female followers into subterranean temples to consume hallucinogenic mead and perform ecstatic rites in veneration of the gods beneath the earth. No-one has yet found out what happens to the young men who try to spy on them.

7. Nikolai Zarubin, mad monk. A consort to princes under the Tsar, Zarubin was apparently assassinated during the revolution, only to show up later in Leningrad at the head of a sect of mystically-minded Bolsheviks who call themselves the God Builders. True comprehension of communism, they claim, enables one not only to liberate the mind but to travel between the stars and resurrect the dead. Those who question this doctrine are pointed to the bullet wounds still in Zarubin's forehead as evidence. His agents are active throughout Europe, sabotaging industry and seeking ancient knowledge in an attempt to bring about the full emancipation of all mankind.

8. Haakon Svendsen, explorer. Since the whaling ship found him off the coast of Greenland, clinging to a piece of debris that was all which remained of the airship supposed to take him across the Pole, Svendsen has become increasingly reclusive and paranoid. He kept his return to Oslo quiet, ducking the parade that the king had arranged in his honour, and now spends most of his time at his family estate on the lichen-encrusted Hardangervidda plateau. He is seeking a way to defend himself from the tupilaq, avenging spirits sent to pursue him by the shaman-kings of the lost city he was sent by the British Museum to invade and desecrate. The ring of blood he has drawn around his sod-roofed cabin is keeping them away for now, but the local villagers are beginning to wonder what happened to the child he's keeping in his basement.

Friday, 27 January 2017


The WORLD'S MOST EVIL HYDRA possesses the heads of history's greatest villains. It is born from the paradox created when somebody tries to go back in time and kill Hitler.
  1. STALIN. Bite causes victims to slowly fade from reality. Their past actions are undone, beginning with the most recent, until they are entirely edited out of history. If they've chopped off any heads, those heads will regrow.
  2. POL POT. Anyone looking at this head through glasses, or any other kind of manufactured lens, must save or die instantly.
  3. NERO. Breathes fire. The flames crackle with the sound of fiddle music.
  4. BIN LADEN. Tall buildings in the vicinity spontaneously collapse.
  5. VLAD DRACULA. Causes wooden stakes to spring out of the ground beneath people.
  6. THATCHER. Iron teeth. Bite curses victims with slow starvation.
  7. CASTRO. Breathes cloud of foul-smelling, vision-blocking, lung-invading cigar smoke.
  8. JUDAS. Barfs a torrent of silver onto the ground. Anyone who takes the silver will be compelled to betray their friends.
  9. BLACKBEARD. Beard braided into writhing pigtails, stuck through with lighted matches, that entangle foes and burn them.
  10. NIXON. Pins victims down with its jowls and drowns them in flopsweat.
  11. CALIGULA. All horses in the vicinity become senators and refuse to obey the authority of their riders.
  12. TRUMP. Endless stream of blather forces victims to save against confusion and despair.
  13. MAO. Gaze forces victims to kneel in place and confess how they have betrayed the revolution. Failure to confess anything will result in laceration with broken glass.
  14. RICHARD III. Seems surprisingly reasonable. Whispers to party one at a time, sowing demoralisation and discord.
  15. TOJO. Birds and other flying things divebomb its victims and explode into balls of fire.
  16. CROMWELL. Any monarch within a mile who takes any damage will immediately die.
  17. MCCARTHY. Victims must save or be convinced that the hydra is an illusion created by secret witches.
  18. MACHIAVELLI. Hangs back and advises the other heads, making them more cunning and powerful.
  19. PUTIN. Knows the most embarrassing secret of anyone it fights and will threaten to reveal it unless they serve its agenda.
  20. RASPUTIN. Hypnotic stare. Can't be chopped off until it has been drowned, shot and poisoned.
  21. ATTILA THE HUN. Head can't be cut off, but will die if given a nosebleed.
  22. THE KRAYS. These two heads will regrow unless they are chopped off simultaneously.
  23. NED KELLY. Head can't be cut off unless iron helmet is first removed. Attacks with headbutts. Hates coppers.
  24. LEOPOLD II. On a critical hit, bites off a hand.
  25. ROBESPIERRE. On a critical hit, bites off a head.
  26. JACK THE RIPPER. On a critical hit, tears out a random organ with its teeth.
  27. MUSSOLINI. Hydra is accompanied by 1d20 low-level thugs in black clothing, who will flee if this head is defeated.
  28. GENGHIS KHAN. Hydra is accompanied by 2d4 horse archers, who will flee if this head is defeated.
  29. AL CAPONE. Hydra is accompanied by 1d4 high-level enforcers from local thieves' guild, who will flee if this head is defeated. Bleeds moonshine.
  30. TORQUEMADA. Always gets a surprise attack, as nobody expects it.
oh god I put too much of my life into this monstrosity