You call THAT a hydra??

Continuing from my brother's post which continues from Goblinpunch. (Arnold stole it from Chris McDowell I think but I'm really not willing to chase it back to Hesiod or whoever)

I see London, I see France

Corpushydra

HD 7 AC leather Attacks (see below)

Move 15 Int 3 Mor 7

A corpushydra has only one, mean-eyed head, but a hundred bodies. It lives in cold swamps (a lot of bodies is a lot of excess heat) and slurps up anything even slightly edible with its long, hollow tongue.

Corpushydras attack in two ways: by trampling enemies into pulp, and by using their many hearts to build up pressure in their veins until blood shoots from their eyes with enough force to dent armour. Each of the hydra's bodies occupies a 5-foot square, but will happily share this space with a human-sized creature as part of its trample attack.

Trample

When you try to move through a corpushydra's space or it moves through yours, make an opposed strength check. If you fail, you have been knocked prone, and you take trample damage every turn until you pass a strength check and can stand up again. The hydra tramples for 1d6 + 1 for every adjacent square it also occupies (max 1d6+8)

Blood Spray

A corpushydra will use blood spray on anyone attempting to attack it from afar, or any creature that looks like it can win a lot of opposed strength checks. Blood spray is a ranged attack dealing 1d8 damage, reflex save to avoid being blinded by cloying blood.

Petting Zoo Hydra

HD 1-20 AC leather Attacks (1 per head)

Move 12 Int 3 Mor 7

A petting zoo hydra is created whenever some really weird shit happens at the petting zoo, which is pretty rare, frankly.  The heads will regrow in 1 round unless salt or fresh milk is applied to the stump.  It has one head for every HD.

Heads [d20, or just go down the list]

1. Duckling - Nibble 1d4-1, but with a -2 to hit.
2. Chick - Peck 1d3-1.  Pecked target must save vs giggling.
3. Kid - Nubby horn attack 1d4-1.
4. Rooster - Crows.  Every turn, has a 10% chance of attracting a new random encounter
5. Goose - Smashes for 1d4.  Ridiculous 20' reach.
6. Puppy Skull With Glowing Red Eyes - Bites for 1d3.  Can reanimate dead things as friendly zombies, 1/turn.
7. Mistreated Blue-Tongue - Bites for 1d3 + disease.
8. Emu - Pecks for 1d4.  Easy to sever: neck only has 1 HP.
9. Bag of Grain - Can cast cure light wounds at will.
10. Ibis - Peck 1d3-1.  Save or lose an eye.
11. Spider Monkey Hand - Attempts to steal your weapon and hit you with it.  Str 12, Dex 16.
12. Ram - Gores for 1d4 damage.  On a miss, there is a 2-in-6 chance that the horns gets jammed in something, trapping the ram head there for 1 turn.
13. Sow - Bites for 1d4.  Never forgets.  (Attacks whoever attacks it first, and never changes targets.)
14. Llama - Bites for 1d6.  If the attack roll is 1-3, it attacks another head instead.  If the other head is having a bad morning, the two heads will start fighting, only stopping when one head is bitten off or starts crying.  (This causes two heads to grow, as normal.)
15. Sloth - Sleeps until it takes damage, at which point it wakes up and starts biting for 1d3-1.
16. Mule - Bite 1d4 damage, save or it whinnies upsettingly at you.
17. Fairy Penguin - Peck 1d3-1, Every 3 turns, breath a cone of frozen air, 1d6, 20' cone.
18. Teen on Work Experience - Does nothing except scream about baby animals and madness, begs to be sent home, yells at players to bring salt.
19. Pen - On a hit, traps a player inside.  On subsequent turns, beats "head" against ground, dealing 1d6 damage to occupant automatically.  Made of chickenwire, and the lock can be opened by anyone with greater int than the hydra.
20. Koi - Doesn't want to fight.  It will just make weird fish noises all fight.  If it is the only head remaining on the body (i.e. it is a koiydra) it will run away.  It's also tamable, if you have patience.

Basically this but even fluffier

Transplanar Hydra

HD 8 AC plate Attacks (1 per head)

Move 12 Int 5 Mor 7

It is unclear whether these things are incredible war-machines or slightly uncomfortable accidents. Each of a transplanar hydras heads is from a different plane of reality. Cutting off a head causes a different head to rotate in from the closest reality, while two fresh heads bud in further planes. Further growth may be prevented by applying an antithetical element to a fresh stump. A transplanar hydra will never grow a head in a plane it has already visited.

Most transplanar hydras begin with at least five heads, in the classic planes of earth, fire, air and water as well as one in the material plane. Possible heads include:

1. Fire - Burning oil saliva. Bites will set targets alight, and the ground beneath the hydra's head will smolder until put out.
2. Water - Can breathe a Fog Cloud 1/day. Will try to catch people in its mouth and drown them.
3. Air - Two swift attacks per turn, at a -2 penalty. Looks like a dumb bird.
4. Earth - Stone or metal weaponry striking the head will be absorbed on a failed strength check. Absorbing something sword-sized or larger grants the head +1 damage (max +5).
5. Magnetism - Reverse Gravity 1/day, affecting only metal objects (someone in chainmail or above counts)
6. Ooze - Engulfs on a successful attack, as per your favourite kind of ooze
7. Light - Eye contact with the head blinds anyone failing a reflex save. Creatures with darkvision don't get a save.
8. Bone - Anyone attacking the head in melee combat takes 1d6 damage from bony quills.
9. Glass - Head reflects all spells towards new, random targets.
10. Mind - Everybody stands still and thinks through the moves of the coming fight. Replace dex with int, str with cha, con with wis, maybe? Play through the fight otherwise as normal. When the combat is over - hyrda head/players dead/retreated - return everyone to where they were at the start of the fight, except now running away/catatonic.
11. Confluence - N-th dimensional head exists to the full definition of this plane of existence. Can attack anyone that has ever been, or ever will be, within a normal hydra's reach of anywhere the hydra's body ever has been or will be. Players use this same set of rules for attacking the hydra.
12. Life - Contact with the head's fluids impregnates the affected surface/person with d100 species of random creatures. Remember that probably about 97% of the world's species are invertebrates; bugs and fish.
13. Subtext - Position of the head can only be inferred from environmental clues. Head takes 1d10 damage for every uncomfortable, unspoken topic broached between characters.
14. Luck - Treat every dice roll made near the hydra as though it rolled the maximum value. All attacks are crits, all saves are passed, every improbable plan works for both hydra and players.
15. Faith - Resembles the head of all gods. Anyone watching it die must save vs crisis of faith 1d6 weeks later. Failure means you need to get a new life goal.
16. Oscillation - Head is constantly making a noise like a jack-hammer. After two rounds spent within 50' start saving vs deafness. At three rounds take 1d4 damage as your bones start to shake. Fourth round, 1d6 damage. Fifth, 1d8. Etc. Leaving the radius resets this effect.
17. Math - Head can only be damaged by prime numbers. This should mean that your damage is likely to be better with 2d3 than 1d10??
18. Narrative - Cannot be reduced below 1hp except by something that makes somebody at the table go, "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn."
19. Logic - Will attack anyone perceived as illogical (that's pretty much everyone on the material plane). Will totally ignore anyone that starts sorting things. Will probably allow itself to be sorted.
20. Hydra - The head is one of these. If you kill all the other heads and this is the only one left, the hydra stops being transplanar are starts just being a hydrada.

Took me like 3 days to get 17, 18 and 19.
Pretty sure the joke's dead by now.