Friday, 15 April 2016

Gameable Shit From "Quest for Camelot"

Rewatched a childhood classic the other day. First of all, it's completely astounding that this movie was released four years after The Lion King and yet is such complete, unmitigated garbage*. Secondly, this movie fucking rocks, if you have some children you should foist it on them. If you are a child you should foist it on you.

Here is some gameable shit from the film, because I am kind and generous and benevolent and etc.

d6 Plant Traps from Living Forest
  1. Whirlstumps. Man-sized, grow packed together. Pressure on base and touch at shoulder/waist height cause it to snap itself into the air violently, carrying you along/smacking your skull. 
  2. Snatcherbranches. Trees that grow all branches with enormous tension along bottom. Older branches cave to less and less disruption. Trees at centre of grove suddenly start ramming down trying to trap you, but younger trees at edges will start to slam if you run past them, snapping vines.
  3. Sprinting Twigs. Actually a parasite growing over the surface of all the leaf litter. Causes burnt twigs to start crawling in random direction. Will seem cute until you realise how much you need a fire.
  4. Whipbuds. Thick petals of pig-sized bud hide dexterous stamen, open at a touch. Stamen whips towards your breath when exposed. Sap paralyses.
  5. Hillmaker. Meters-deep moss reacts when you walk on it, rolling out of the way so you can't apply lateral force. Shallows make running hard. Hit a deep section and all of a sudden you can't run, walk or jump.
  6. Mossmaws. What looks like moss/algae covered stone is actually thick-skinned pitcher plant, jerks open to swallow people whole. Tendency to grow into bottom of shallow streams for maximum surprise value.
d6 Monsters That Deform Their Environments
  1. Dragon. Acidic urine carves out gullies and canyons, leaches into soil, kills plant life. Guano worth a small fortune. 
  2. Stone giant. Farts out suffocating, heavier-than-air gas that pools in caves and low places, killing small animals and anyone who crawls.
  3. Roc. Tornado-speed wind of wingbeats erodes away topsoil to create scrubby plains and scoured-clean mesas.
  4. Gorgon. Petrified forests. Herds of basalt buffalo grazing on granite grass. Only living things are lichen and reptiles.
  5. Golem. Trenches dug, towers erected, mills built in places where water has long since dried up, all in accordance with centuries-old instructions.
  6. Giant flies. Harvest huge mounds of rotting flesh, vegetation. Maintain nitrogen-rich atmosphere for larvae.

AND Merlin has this one weird cameo appearance and he is the only character that looks like the mouth animation was done for a different language, which is exactly what I want from Merlin.

AND the comic relief is a stunted set of conjoined-twin dragons with opposing tastes in art which is such a good idea for an NPC you might not actually do it justice.

AND the villain has a plan to steal the Excalibur and fuse themselves with it. Uses fusion potion to first make army of mercenary/weapon hybrids. Works with sentient, servile griffin, whom is bullied mercilessly. Is voiced by Gary Oldman for some fucking reason.

* Turns out this is not a Disney film, which I thought it was (thx Jeremy Duncan) though I guess that explains why the songs feel like a lazy attempt at psychological torture.

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