Sunday, 9 September 2018

rooms in dracula's castle

The pitch is - it's 1907. Dracula has been dead for ten years. The powers of Europe anticipate war, and have been scouring the global for occult advantages against their foes. Scavengers of every nation descend on Dracula's decaying castle, intending to sell whatever they find to the highest bidder. Curiously, all the inhabitants seem to think he's still alive.
  1. Bathroom. Big tubs of steaming blood, taps labelled with all the different varieties.
  2. Aviary. Glass dome containing a dark forest and a hundred species of bat.
  3. Apiary. Like the inside of a cathedral, with blood-red honeycombs everywhere.
  4. Library. Grimoires, bestiaries, forbidden histories, homunculi attendants that hate sound.
  5. Kitchens. The world's finest chefs labouring under the instructions of a stupid goblin.
  6. Gallery. Lost paintings by the world's finest artists, all depicting sexy werewolves.
  7. Ballcourt. Teams of Aztec mummies playing the Mesoamerican ballgame.
  8. Conservatory. Slice of the Amazon, with piranhas and lost conquistadors.
  9. Hospital. Jain doctors slavishly tending to the injuries of the castle's rats and mosquitoes.
  10. Wat. Red-robed monks bringing offerings to a giant fanged Buddha statue.
  11. Lake. Pipe organ on island in flooded cave. Dracula is teaching the giant squid to play it.
  12. Opera house. Bloody tragedies and farces being played out for an audience of skeletons.
  13. Seraglio. Fat eunuchs guarding the chambers of rotting, perfumed corpses.
  14. Mirror maze. Midgets in costumes pretending to be your distorted reflection.
  15. Big top. Evil clowns with acid pies playing out a horrible show for skeleton punters.
  16. Distillery. Homunculi brewing up the most delicious blood-based liqueurs.
  17. Saloon. Cowboys drinking shots of snake venom, using the Holy Grail as a spittoon.
  18. Clock tower. Huge grinding gears, flocks of bats, slaves turning wheels to make it all go.
  19. Wax museum. Models of history's greatest villains that come alive when you're not looking.
  20. Forum. Toga-clad philosophers debating the big questions - is God real, is Dracula real, etc.
  21. Lecture hall. A branch of the Scholomance, with the Devil teaching magic to wizards.
  22. Space portal. Guys in brass Victorian diving-suits exploring the toxic surface of Venus.
  23. Vault. Full of talking coins that have complex internal politics, want you to steal their rivals.
  24. Trophy room. Taxidermied animals bragging about how brave the guy who killed them is.
  25. Aquarium. Reef of black coral in a big tank full of blood and happy sharks.
  26. Banquet hall. Ghosts trapped at an endless dinner party, can't leave unless you take their place.
  27. Ballroom. Waltzing jewel-clad skeletons that attack if you disturb their dancing.
  28. Armory. Suits of plate armour endlessly re-enacting the wars fought by their medieval owners.
  29. Blood cellar. Old bottles of priceless vintage blood, guarded by living dust.
  30. Laboratory. Lightning rods and vats of bubbling chemicals, homunculi reanimating corpses.
  31. Archery range. Targets are bleeding naked youths who get off on being penetrated.
  32. Wardrobe. Endless racks of fur coats and ballgowns, infested by swarms of devouring moths.
  33. Stables. Skeleton grooms tending to flesh-eating horses, enslaved heroes cleaning up shit.
  34. Racetrack. Flesh-eating horses chasing terrified jockeys, skeleton bookies taking bets.
  35. Root cellar. Shelves lined with jars of delicious blood pickles, black pudding and clot jam.
  36. Meat locker. Subzero temps. People hanging from hooks, alive but frozen into comas.
  37. Solarium. Glass windows flood the room with sunlight. Only there for ironic purposes.
  38. Kennels. Frightened peasants looking after baying hellhounds and fancy bloodstained poodles.
  39. Torture chamber. Every possible instrument of pain, kept in pristine condition and never used.
  40. Dungeon. Prisoners moaning in oubliettes, some saints and some hideous criminals.
  41. Chapel. Devoted to the Devil, with inverted cross and booths where you confess good deeds.
  42. Games room. Giant chessboard with people as pieces, each square hiding a trapdoor.'
  43. Nursery. Full of creepy cobwebbed dolls and ageless children who want to play forever.
  44. Anatomical theatre. Skeleton doctors eagerly vivisecting somebody you know.
  45. Anechoic chamber. Totally soundless room used to madden prisoners. Holds a vampire hunter.
  46. Cistern. Dark pillared vault full of blood, with hungry eels dwelling below the surface.
  47. Psychomanteum. Chair set up before a dark mirror through which you can speak to the dead.
  48. Arena. Captured slaves of Dracula fighting animals, monsters, skeletons and each other.
  49. Courtroom. Skeleton judge and hulking bailiffs eager to prosecute anyone who walks in.
  50. Feast hall. Vikings who think they're in Valhalla, drinking and roasting meat over fire pits.
  51. Furnace room. Sweating fat guys stoking a fire with the bodies of screaming children.
  52. Observatory. Astronomers with big brass telescopes spying on the secret stars.
  53. Grain silo. Sea of grain crossed by catwalks. Suffocated grain mummies trying to pull you in.
  54. Brain silo. Frozen brains on racks and fresh brains in vats, stirred by homunculi with spoons.
  55. Train station. Crowds of commuters waiting in dead silence for the next locomotive to Hell.
  56. Sauna. Gets hotter every minute you're in there. Labyrinthine. Full of boiled zombies.
  57. Opium den. Crammed with romantic poets. Attendants bring you anything you ask for.
  58. Gentlemen's club. Portly boring men who want you to stay and chat with them forever.
  59. Smoking-room. Kings of Hell in velvet armchairs smoking poisonous cigars.
  60. Monastery. Reverse Trappists, sworn to decadence and never ever shutting the fuck up.
  61. Hotel. Bellboy homunculi sworn to fulfil the guests' every esoteric demand.
  62. Skating rink. A plain of frozen blood. Pale dancers in feathery costumes rehearsing routines.
  63. Laundry. Homunculi using steam and iron to get every spot out of capes and waistcoats.
  64. Bakery. Huge ovens that smell so good you're compelled to try to get inside them.
  65. Mithraeum. Maenads sacrificing a white bull and indulging in cannibal bacchanalia.
  66. Ravine. Rickety rope bridge across a howling bottomless chasm. Bats attack crossers.
  67. Dumbwaiter. Child-sized elevator that offers a cramped shortcut between rooms.
  68. Spiral staircase. Gets hotter and hotter the further down you go. No apparent end.
  69. Sealed bedroom. Imprisons a bride of Dracula, who whispers secrets through the stones.
  70. Rattery. A tiny town built by and for rats, with rat mayor and rat parliament.
  71. Arboretum. A forest of exotic trees, some carnivorous and others home to dryads.
  72. Rappaccinium. Garden of poisonous plants, tended by sexy poisonous people.
  73. Hedge maze. Stalked by topiaries - thorn-toothed wolves and flower-breathing dragons.
  74. Chinese garden. Homunculi with gardening shears that kill you if you damage the feng shui.
  75. Sewers. Sparkling clean, as Dracula does not shit. Full of rats and blind alligators.
  76. Pharaoh's tomb. Hieroglyphs, scarab beetles and a mummy that curses all interlopers.
  77. Menagerie. Decayed iron cages. Monkeys, leopards and peacocks wandering the garden.
  78. Surgery. Tables with straps, needles, scalpels and mad doctors competing for space.
  79. Pigsty. Huge fat black hogs wallowing in scab-coloured mud. Will eat literally anything.
  80. Abattoir. Butchers in leather aprons humanely and painlessly exsanguinating peasants.
  81. Pub. Full of grouchy fat troglodytes who never sleep, leave or sober up. Skeleton barman.
  82. Asylum. Deranged orderlies administering drugs and shock therapy to sane-seeming patients.
  83. Sanatorium. Beds full of consumptives who never get better or die, tended by creepy nurses.
  84. Iron foundry. Badly-burned men with huge hammers getting sloppy with molten metal.
  85. Hangar. Homunculi mechanics working on experimental aircraft, terrified of gremlins.
  86. Barracks. A regiment of skeletons in uniform, lying perfectly still in rows of bunk beds.
  87. Ossuary. Bones made into furniture, mosaics, chandeliers, lovingly cared for by skeletons.
  88. Lighthouse. Torch shining out over a vast black sea, sometimes illuminating monsters.
  89. Submarine dock. Skeleton crew tending to a big brass barnacled Victorian submersible.
  90. Gambling den. Smoky room with skeleton croupiers, punters wagering their souls at dice.
  91. Beach resort. Pebbled beach at edge of underground sea. Pier with carnival games.
  92. Generator room. Steam engines boiling blood to produce evil, sapient electricity.
  93. Tree house. Rickety shack caught in a huge oak's branches. Squirrels and ghost children.
  94. Ice cave. Glacier-walled cavern, home to a family of grumpy yetis and their fleas.
  95. Midden. Cavern full of garbage with ragpickers setting up their own microsociety.
  96. Swimming pool. Hairless guys in rubber caps doing laps in Olympic-sized pool of blood.
  97. Dojo. Guys in black pajamas practicing their ninjutsu against an array of lethal deathtraps.
  98. Portrait hall. Talking portraits of famous people, their spirits eager to possess a human body.
  99. Diamond mine. Slaves hacking valuable jewels out of the walls, driven by skeleton overseers.
  100. Throne room. If you sit in the big black batwinged throne, you become Dracula.


  1. Ballcourt. Teams of Aztec mummies playing the Mesoamerican ballgame.
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  2. Dracula has been dead for ten years. The powers of Europe anticipate war, and have been scouring the global for occult advantages against their foes. Scavengers of every nation descend on Dracula's decaying castle, intending to sell whatever they find to the highest bidder
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